I was frustrated, actually with my husband, who wasn't even aware I was frustrated with him and later on I discovered that it wasn't even his fault why I was frustrated with him (does that make sense??). Anyway, here I was mumbling and grumbling to myself standing in line for the food (one of the many things I seemed to have forgotten about ship's life). And so often if you're in a mood because of one thing you are in a "mood" in general, at least it is with me, I guess I'm a bit of a moody person, but I digress. So here I was slowly making my way to get our food and then I came to dessert: cookies... AND there was a ONE EACH sign. I HATE one each signs, they bring out the worst in me. I eat cookies, but generally I don't like them soooo much. These particular ones didn't look attractive to me at all, but that stupid sign made me take one just because I was only ALLOWED one, so I better take MY cookie even if I don't like it. I know it is silly, but those signs make me mad, my suggestion would be: "Consider others" or "Others would like to have some as well" or "What if you were in line a bit later and there wasn't any cookies left, how would you feel??" or "What would Jesus do???"... I would NOT have taken the cookie which I didn't want in the first place and didn't like when I eventually ate it. So I was grumbling and mumbling even more. Then I reached the salad bar and like a good girl put my greens on and other stuff to make a nice salad just to discover that there wasn't any oil and vinegar to mix your own dressing only one ready mixed dressing. So I was even more mumbling and grumbling in a loud sarcastic voice until I heard a voice behind me "What's the problem?". The chief cook stood there. At this very moment I realized my sinful behaviour, but stubborn as I am I stood my ground and complained that there was no vinegar and oil that I didn't like the ready made dressing and so on. I started feeling slightly miserable in addition to being frustrated and mumbling and grumbling. When I sat down at our table the chief cook himself brought me oil and vinegar. I felt even more miserable and convicted about my bad behaviour, and humbled. He must have overheard my mumbling and grumbling and complaining. We are supposed to be light and encouraging and not mumblers and grumblers (I'm pretty sure that there even is a bible verse about this, but it slipped my mind). In the evening I knocked at his cabin door and said sorry and asked for forgiveness. He looked sad and low in spirits, which most probably wasn't because of my vinegar/oil complaint but it made me feel even more miserable. Here is this man, coming to the ship with his wife and 3 kids to serve God in the way of providing food for over 400 people from over 40 different nations, and I don't know how it is in your family but in my family it was even difficult for my mum to cook in the way, that husband and us two kids would be happy, now just imagine you have to do that for so many people from all over the world and some of them can be rather verbal in their dislikes and displeasures like me.... man, you have to have a skin like an elephant not to feel affected by those criticisms. It made me realize that I am called to serve and not to be serve, to encourage, not to de-courage, to lift up not to pull down. Maybe he was just plain tired and didn't feel at all how I interpreted it, but it made me think... and made me feel even more miserable and horrible than I felt when going over there to apologize to him.
God gives us conviction but he doesn't want us to feel miserable and bad because of it, but rather to change our behaviour and do something about it. Feeling bad does neither help nor do any good whatsoever just makes us dwell on our own imperfection, sins and failures, instead of focusing on our Creator and the Forgiver of all sins. This conviction has to trigger a reaction, a plan of action how to change and then do it. I know change takes its time, but I don't wanna stay that mumbling, grumbling discouraging person. I can't change the world but I can change my actions to be a better ambassador of Christ, who died on the cross for my imperfection, MY sins. Words are something beautiful but like with everything created the devil abuses them and he uses even God's children to use them in a destructive way. I don't want to "obey" him though anymore, I want to use words how God intended them to be used: to uplift, to encourage, to point out beauty, to say positive things, but sometimes also for criticism, constructive criticism, not to de-courage but to truly trying to help improving... I can't really express what I mean, but sometime you have to say something, which you really don't want to do, but is the right thing to do.
We learned the last days that there is an Arabic word which is something like "Samechmi" which means "Forgive me" and you say it when you part with someone, in case you've done something wrong you weren't aware of. I thought that's a beautiful custom and I want to say "Samechmi" to YOU whoever YOU are in case I have wronged you knowingly or unknowingly and especially if I have hurt you verbally in any way. I want to change and think before I talk.
Well, on that note:
Samechmi and as-salaamu 'alaykum (Forgive me and Peace be upon you!.... hmmm I guess I have to un-dust my twenty words of Arabic to be ready for the next couple of ports....)
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