Not because I want, but because I can!

When leaving the ship I told a friend, that back home I would wear a mini skirt and spaghetti straps, not because I'd want but because I can. For the last 5 or 6 weeks we had to cover up arms legs bums,... everything and while I really did not WANT to show any "extra" flesh I felt like wearing a miniskirt, not because I would WANT to wear a miniskirt at a nice temperature of around 1C, but because I could wear one if I had the inclination.

Don't worry, I am NOT wearing a miniskirt (hmm, does mine still fit??)... neither spaghetti straps, but I started to think about this whole "not because I want but because I can" thing. We in the "West" so often focus on the "WANT", we want lots of things, and many aren't even good for us. And everyone tells us (especially Hollywood) that if you just want something strong enough you can achieve it. All that matters is what I WANT!!! But there are MANY things I certainly do NOT want AT ALL!!!! But face it, often those things are good for me. I definitely do NOT want to go runing around outside like a maniac and freeze my butt off while doing so, but exercise is good for me and I have been a Slacker (with a capitol S) for the last 6 weeks. And although EVERYTHING inside me wants to curl up on the couch with a good book or movie, hot chocolate and something to munch, I will start running again, NOT because I want, BUT because I CAN!!!!

For the last 6 weeks my chocolate intake was also on the larger side (in fact I don't have a clue how many KILOS I've eaten while being abroad) and I decided to quit chocolate at all... at least until Christmas, that's around 6 weeks to go, so again, certainly not because I want, but because I can!!!

There are many more things I should do but I don't feel like doing , but I want to change, not because I actually WANT to change, but because I can... okay, I also want to change, because Jesus challenges me to become more and more like him, which means there are many areas in my life which NEED changing.

Well, so for the last two days I haven't eaten any chocolate AND I AM surviving, wow, fancy that:o))), but committing to not eat chocolate definitely does not involve Christmas biscuits (as long as there isn't any chocolate in it, and I'm making sure there isn't, hahahaha). So today we stayed inside and made bikkies. Ned did help... at first at least, and we had great fun. I am convinced the best way of making Christmas biscuits is while still wearing your PJs, I don't know why, but somehow it adds to the charm of making them :o))

I did help a little bit to roll out the dough:o)

After a bit Ned thought baking boring though and entertained himself in our dirty laundry basket (of course without the dirty laundry being in), Ced was chillin' on his bean bag in the corner:o)

Ned LOVEd the end result... uhm, so did I :o)

Well, Ned kindly informed me today that snow is wet. I had noticed myself before, but I guess seeing snow through a child's eye is much more exciting. Most of the snow is gone now though... it'll come again I suppose. I guess that doesn't help with my plan to start running again not because I want but because I can... running through slushy, wet, half melted snow and mud and bah doesn't help me getting motivated to get started, neither does the idea of freezing off my nose appeal to me... hmmm... maybe I'll wait until the next year?? Then I could make it as a New Year's resolution....??? BECCA, how DARE you????? what about all this "not because I want but because I can" business you were waffling on about earlier?? okay, okay... I will go, I will... I promise... but maybe not today:o)))

Home, sweet home!!

It feels strange. The ship is already a distant memory and so is Libya. The only present reality is rain, fog, wet, cold, grey. I am convinced that November is the worst month ever to return to Germany. Of course it's all things I knew and know, but still it almost feels like a slap in the face after yellow and dust for everything to be grey and wet... and all the leaves are gone of the trees... and the sun sets at 5pm... it feels like living in the dark for most of the day. But I also like it, seriously, I do. It's nice and warm inside... and kinda cosy (there are still to many unpacked bags everywhere for it to be REALLY cosy)... AND I put some candles on (it was lovely) and I cooked dinner (I put too much salt in it, it seems that I lost my "touch", sigh)... and I went for a autumn walk with Ned (and his Bagger). They expect snow in the next couple of days. I don't want snow. I don't have cloths for snow... at least no cloths I still fit in, sigh! Ned would love it though.

Talking about Ned. Let me tell you that drinking your bathwater in general isn't the smartest thing to do (especially if you think it great fun to pee in your bathwater, not even mentioning the bubble soap), but drinking your bathwater in Northern Africa is DEFINITELY no smart idea. Unfortunately I forgot that offspring LOVES drinking his bathwater (we really do give him enough fluids besides the bath, promised) when I stuck him in the bathtub the first night we spend in a hotel in Tripoli. Well, that night he started puking for an hour. The next day he was fine again (except having some problems with his plumbing down below, if you get my meaning), but the next night he did it again, the puking. Not nice to be woken up by gagging sounds and all the rest of the unpleasantness involved in puking. But again, during the day, inclusive the 3h flight back to Germany, it was no problem at all... until we sat in the car and had left the airport... when all of a sudden he turned into this HUGE puke fountain (I seem to have fountain kids, one's a milk fountain and one's a puke fountain). I felt so sorry for the poor guy, especially because he puked ALL over his beloved Hermie. We were also down to our last pair of long pants. Well, like father like son, we put him in shorts in 5C and headed back home as fast as we could. He didn't throw up again that night, luckily and thankfully. He slept very restless though, we had put his mattress on the floor next to our bed so that we would be with him in case he'd be sick again. He had to sleep without Hermie for a while (until she was decent again... after a wash in the washing machine that is) but he was so tired that he was gone in 5 min even without her... it gave me great pleasure though to put her back into his arms once she came out of the machine.

Even though everything feels so far away already I also somehow feel distant from our life back home... I forgot my credit card pin... and the one for my debit card as well... I could hardly remember my mobile phone pin... and yeah, it feel strange to go down to the basement to do my laundry and then to hang everything on the cloth-line... sigh, I DO miss those dryers on the Logos Hope... SIGH!!!

The ship has indeed left…

...AND has left us behind!!!

It was my worst good bye of the ships ever. It is much easier to leave the ship than to be left by the ship and stand at the quayside and wondering if or when will I ever see her again in all her rusty glory as well as those wonderful people living and working aboard. I shed quite some tears. I hate good byes and this time it truly felt like it’ll be a good bye for a long time and next time we’ll meet, our friends - more likely than not - will have moved on in life and it will never be the same again, sigh!!! I just wanted to stand there and cry my eyes out (man, I'm usually not that emotional), but our friend, thinking of cheering me up, kept on talking to me as soon as I was near him, telling me that such is life, which isn't anything helpful in whatever situation. I just needed a good cry and then I can move on... SUCH is MY life.

We weren't the only ones who thought it sad to see her go. I'm wondering what went through their heads...

Before she had even left Benghazi entirely we were packed in a car and driven off to our next stop in life. I felt very melancholic and just could NOT handle cheerfulness and people trying to talk to me and totally NOT understanding my feelings. While she headed off towards Egypt we were heading to a house somewhere in Benghazi were we had, once again, Bachbuti, or however you write it. Thoughts penetrated my mind like "Normally on board we would have our sandwich lunch now" or "On the Logos Hope I'd put Ned down for a nap now" or "Soon it's dinner time aboard"... it is just so strange, that ship's life just goes on and on, but your life changes so much when you leave the ship behind (or in our case be left behind by the ship) and head back to a normal life on land. After three hours in that house we finally left for the airport. Ned fell asleep in the car, just minutes before we arrived. Great. What to do lah... ???? Well, this is what we did:

I hate big bags, they always look so... so... so big, but to be honest with kids it is just the best to have biiiiiig case, and we do have 3 BIG cases, which isn't enough though. We travelled with so many bags between the 7 of us that I was always afraid that I'd leave half of my "life" behind somewhere and partially we actually left a trail of stuff… I forgot my precious Coke Zero cans in the fridge on board (so whoever cleans our cabin, feel free to help yourselves), then we forgot our stroller aboard (maybe I left it subconsciously on purpose so that I could buy a new one without a bad conscience???) and I forgot Ned’s small “Bagger” in the car that drove us to the airport (Rest In Peace little friend, you have been a great one!!!!J).

Arriving in Tripoli airport

Well, now we are in a nice hotel in Tripoli with an internet connection as fast as light-speed (at least it feels like it to me), I can check facebook AND I even uploaded a photo on facebook without a problem, wow!!!! (You none ship's people might think me strange, but all those lovely ship's people know what I'm talking about and envy me - hahaha). We actually upgraded our hotel room, so now we have a bigger cabin, uhm, I mean ROOM, even with a couple couches and a kings size bed which came in rather handy last night. We parked Ced next to the couches for the night and for Ned we got a little mattress and parked him in a corner next to our bed. Everything worked out really great and we had a quiet night.... up until 3am... then we heard some gagging noises from his corner and discovered that he was actually busy throwing up. And continued throwing up for the next hour. We took him in with us in our gigantic bed and I had him sitting between my legs and leaning back against me and every time I felt him tens I knew it was time to get the plastic bag infront of his face (mental note to self: ALWAYS bring a roll of bin bags when going for a trip, luckily I did!!! We not only use them for throwing up in but also as containers to sterilize baby bottles in... OF COURSE NOT the same plastic bags, after all I AM a nurse). After an hour of puking though he ceased and finally fell asleep... and so did I, thankfully!

And now?? Well, Ben's off being busy (still) and I believe they hopefully just booked our tickets to fly home TOMORROW, YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

"...I'm standing here, outside your door,

I hate to wake you up to say good bye.

But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn

the taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn

already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me

tell me that you wait for me

hold me like you never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,

don't know when I'll be back again

Oh babe, I hate to go..."

John Denver

Now that it comes to leaving I really dislike leaving although still looking forward to going home. This time leaving though I don't have a clue when or if ever the next time is to step aboard the Logos Hope, but at least a couple years will pass before this might be a possibility again and by that time the majority of our friends will have moved on in life as well. So this time is saying good bye to them for... for a long time. Last time I expected us to be back aboard Logos Hope within one year which indeed did happen, but now.... "Don't know when I'll be back again, oh Logos Hope, I hate to go"

But here I go, it's three in the morning, all our bags ARE packed indeed (finally!!! Despite some delay chats with lovely people), the fridge is de-coked (finally) and I should REALLY go to bed (finally) for the last time in an undefined period of time aboard Logos Hope or in fact any sort of ship.

Bye bye,

Adios,

Arrivederci,

Au revoir,

Auf Wiedersehen,

Ding Dong Dai....

....until we meet again!!!!

Have you ever imagined/wondered...

1. ...staying in the desert in a tent, surrounded by palm trees and sand dunes, not far away there is a lake and once or twice a camel caravan comes past while you're sitting at your camp fire making bachbuti or hopsamila????? Well, delete this picture out of your mind again, because this wasn't what happened to us. We ended up staying in a house somewhere in the desert for the first night (it was a nice house but still, not really what we wanted) and the second night in a hotel in town, which was nice as well, but also not really what we wanted.
2. ...getting lost in the desert and what to do if that happened especially if you're almost out of fuel??? Well, we found out. This guy was driving us to that house somewhere in the middle of the desert. And man, he was speeding. We were rather impressed that he knew where to go in the dark with no hill or tree or anything to give you an indication of where in the world you are. Until he stopped and waited for the other car to come along. Then they rattled away in Arabic and finally started laughing and switching of the engines (to preserve fuel, normally they don't bother with stopping the engines for short stops) we were told that we were lost. Lost in the desert in the dark. Great. Now I can laugh as well, then I could NOT. I had a splitting headache (didn't drink enough because I didn't want to have to go to the loo), Ned luckily was so gone and fast asleep but Cedric wasn't and the prospect of sleeping in the open desert but WITHOUT blankets and a tent was uhm, not so inviting, even though a tiny, adventurous bit of my heart longed for it. I mean, WHAT a story to tell. And we had a little gas cooker on the back of the ute, enough food, water and baby formula. But PTL someone invented iPhones... and they have GPS and in no time you're out of the middle of the desert again to somewhere not quite in the middle anymore with a couple of houses around you. I told Ben I'll get him an iPhone. I want one too!!! Just in case... you never know when you might be stuck in some desert again.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. ...how much mess an ostrich egg can make??? Luckily we only dropped it on the dusty ground... but that would have made scrambled eggs for a family of four.
4. ...how frustrating it can be at times to live in a different culture and you just LONG to be back in your own were people don't have any problem whatsoever to say "No" when they mean it, instead of saying something different but at the end of the day it means that the end result is "No" as well???? We really would have loved to sleep in the desert in a tent. That was our reason for going. But once we were there we were told that it is too dangerous to sleep somewhere outside because Sudan is only 200km away... and because there were ladies present (which they must have known beforehand, because I haven't turned female just lately).
5. ...how an exotic bird feels behind the bars of her cage, well taken care of, secure and protected but well, somehow locked up either only to look at or, well, to protect her of the evil around????
6. ...how much a camel actually stinks????
   
   
   
   
7. ...to pay around 6Euros for 50l of fuel????
   
   
   
   
8. ...you see your kid eating camel poo and you're not really allowed to tell him off and all the adults around him laugh their heads off (uhm, inclusive even his mother, who actually managed to get a snapshot of said memorial moment in life... if he ever dares to complain about my cooking some time in the future I shall tell him that he ate camel poo when he was two and my cooking can NOT be worse than that!!!)
   
   
   
   
9. 
   ...endless flat desert spread out whereever you look and you just feel like screaming because your eyes LONG to see a hill or a tree or something???
10. ...flushing down a toilet all present remote controls, radios, mobile phones and the like???? (you wouldn't be able to use the toilet afterwards anymore, due to being blocked, but oh the quietness and peace...)
11. ...the absolute silence of the desert which makes your ears ring... ou yeah and the "boom---tsha-boom-tsha boom---tsha-boom-tsha" music from the 4W drive ute in the background.
12. ...to do really NOTHING an entire day, sitting in the desert, watching goats... and camels... and donkeys, or watching others cook the food on or in a fire and watching one of your kids sleep... at least a bit, and watching the other one chase goats or donkeys or dogs or watching him eat some more poo, having to drink REALLY strong and REALLY sweet tea in tiny tea cups (luckily they are so tiny so you can stomach it and even luckier if husband is around and he drinks it for you), and be rewarded with a beautiful sunset (and a splitting headache... and a slightly burned face)
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
13. ...if this particular strip or sand has ever heard German before???
14. ...to long for ship's food???
15. ...seeing your son chasing dung beetles and hearing him calling them "ants"... as well as trying to prevent him to pluck out the legs of those poor beetles???
    
    
    
    
16. ...having a SNICKERs for breakfast?? Or two???
17. ...how slightly irritating it is that someone always tells you that your kid is basically totally misbehaved and if said kid would spend one week at that someone's house he'd be perfect afterwards???? I know he means it jokingly, but that's an area were I transform from the gentle duck-mother to the fierce lioness (btw, if you point out that this someone's 6 month old daughter is up until 2am and doesn't want to sleep the someone says "Oh, but she's a girl. Boys drink their milk and then they sleep!").
18. ...cleaning your baby's bottles with hand soap as you forgot to bring detergent (BUT I remembered to bring sterilizing fluid!!!!!)??????
19. ...your Australian husband being asked, after being told that the wife (me) is German: "Your son speaks German... why??? You are the father, you speak English!"
20. ...writing a blog to avoid the unpleasant job of having to pack (once again) your life of the last 6 weeks into a couple of suit cases to be ready and set to leave the ship the next day... well, actually the ship is leaving us behind. We'll stay two more days in the country, but hopefully we'll fly from Benghazi to Tripoli tomorrow and go home two days later... home, sweet, sweet home!!!

Some things I love

I love Jane Austen, just like millions of other women and I think that someone should invent a "Memory-delete-button" for your favourite books like "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Emma", "Persuasion" or "The Lord of the Rings" (which, of course, wasn't written by Jane Austen but still is one of my favourite books ever). Do you know what I mean?? I still remember the very first time reading some of those books. You were just drawn in, hooked, addicted, wondering if Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy will end up together or not...???? But now, that I have read it a couple million of times I still love the book, but you just, well, know how it ends. And here the memory-delete-button would come in handy: you just press it, forget the entire story line and the only thing you remember is that you LOVE the book!! So you could read your favourite book over and over again with the thrill like reading it for the first time... sigh, would not that be fantastic... but I guess people around me would NOT think it fantastic as I get a bit... uhm, let me say, oblivious to what's going on around me and every little bit of spare time my nose is stuck in a book and you just can't have a normal conversation with me... oops... but how did I end up here again???

Uhm... ah ja, Jane Austen. I always wondered how a Jane Austen would describe me as a character in one of her books. And I think I found out: the other day... on a Bazaar... in Libya (I'm not sure if Jane Austen even knew that Libya existed, but hang on it did NOT exist as Libya back than, anyway...). We were walking through the markets and I saw this really nice "dress", it covers you from head to toe and all your arms without revealing to much of ones shape. Those dresses are really comfortable and also do look rather nice (despite being a bit of a sack-like shape). They have nice adornments around the collar and often also down the front and on the sleeves. I did buy it. Unfortunately I had to return it, because my, uhm, backside didn't fit in so well... very humbling.... that's what having kids does to you, hmmm... I change it for another one, a size bigger, but somehow it was an elephant-size bigger and the dress I possess now is quite a bit too big, but anyway... my vanity was hurt a little... but such is life.

Luckily my hurting pride was bathed in oil some time later. I entered a small narrow shop to buy some wool for crocheting (yepp, I started crocheting, hard to believe but true) and in it were the shopkeeper, an old lady and her daughter. I noticed that they started talking about me. It's not a nice feeling if people obviously talk about you, in a different language, because you imagine them saying all sorts of nasty things, but hei, heads up, chest out and here we go. After a little time the daughter tried to translate into broken English what the old lady was saying, I couldn't understand much but she repeated several times that I had such a pretty face. I guess it is quite an achievement to get told one has a pretty face with the advanced age of thirty (in a Jane Austen novel I would be considered very advanced in years). So I must conclude that Jane Austen would have described me with these words:

"She was short and plump and had a very pretty face" (Sense and Sensibility, about a Mrs. Palmer, I just hope I have a better mind and understanding than said Mrs. Palmer in the book.... and okay, I'm not short, but rather average in hight).

I love the Bazaar, you can buy almost everything in all sorts of different "stalls" like here, on a wheelbarrow

I also truly love seeing our two boys slowly starting to interact with each other (as far as a 4months old can interact). Ned goes to bed at around 8pm, Ced a little later (don't think it unfair that the younger one stays up longer, but somehow that's how it works out presently, it might change again once we are back home in good old Germany). But with Ced going to sleep after Ned, he can be with us for Ned's "going-to-bed" routine, which is

• cleaning up his room,
• changing in his PJs,
• brushing his teeth,
• dancing in his room (yep, dancing, he insists on it) during that time Ced is parked on Ned's bed and after we are finally able to convince Ned that his dancing is over he finally is
• snuggling up next to Ced.
• Then we read his bible, if we try to be lazy or quick and try to slip it he kindly reminds us with "bible????". So, it is really important to him, how much he listens though is doubtful, as he generally is busy poking Ced's eyes or cuddling or kissing him,but he insists on it being read and we are grateful that he wants it to be read.
• After that we always get the question: "Daddy horse??" "Mama Pferd???" and we have to oblige and be the noble steed for him.
• Then it's time for prayer, and he repeats after me saying thanks to God for Oma, Opa, Grandma, Grandpa, etc.... you get the picture... he often slips in a second "thank you" for Hermie or is still concerned about Opa's tummy (heart condition) and after thanking for his friends it's time for daddy to pray.

Before being able to leave the room though we have to give him a couple hundreds of kisses (but hey, who could not give in to such a cute request??), even if we'd closed the door already he'd command us back in with the plea "kiss??? KISS?? KIIIIISSSSSSS????

Yes he can be a handful and sometimes I'm tempted of selling him, but he also brings so much love and joy in our lives that I wouldn't want to miss a second...

Well, I should go to bed now, we're going for our desert trip tomorrow, I am starting to doubt my sanity now already, but tell myself that I can tell nice stories later on and show pretty pictures.

Night, night... sleep tight...

P.S. I have to make a confession... you know living aboard a ship fresh water is very precious and you have to preserve water. Now and then reminders would be put up to only take 30 sec showers or luckily lately not 30 sec but 2min. I mean, you can take a longer shower, but you shouldn't have the water running longer than 2min, you can stand in the shower though as long as you like, but there isn't much attraction in doing so without the water, right?? Anyway, I found out WHO it is WHO is wasting so much water... nopp, it isn't Ben, nor Cedric, neither myself... yepp, I have to confess, it is Ned!!! Because of him we all are allowed only 2min showers!!! How can such a little dude waste water you ask??? It often happens that I mention "Let's go and brush your teeth" and he sprint off towards the bathroom and when I reach the same bathroom (several hours later) he stands in one corner with the fattest grin on his little face and the tap being fully on... here I go, I confessed for my son, as he seems to not see anything wrong in it. But hey, they didn't say ANYTHING about 2min teeth-brushing-times or the like?? how is he to know that it isn't okay, eh???

Reflections

I think it's quite a skill to puke ALL over your mother but not at all on any of your own cloths. I think that is a skill which needs to be applauded... once the mother has cleaned herself and changed into none-pukey cloths, that is.... the skilful baby even rewarded his soaked-through-with-puke-mother with the biggest grin ever (inclusive milk still coming out of his nose).... yummmmmm... the joys of motherhood.

It was good to have something to laugh about though because honestly I'm a bit downcast lately. For the first time since being back aboard I long to be back home.

I know everyone is a sinner, there is no such thing as BIG sin or LITTLE sin, everything displeasing God is sin, be it lying, deceiving, stealing, hard-heartedness, pride, unfaithfulness, adultery or murder. But some sins are more, how to say, obvious... and they have a bigger impact on people or the community around us. Confronted with a more "obvious" sin in others makes me realize how sinful I am myself. Maybe one part of me is tempted to point at them and say "I am much better than that" but reason knows it isn't true. We are all sinners, and if living with Jesus, we are forgiven sinners.

It makes me wonder though why God had to put those silly trees in the garden of Eden in the first place. Just imagine how delightful and easy life would have been without those stupid trees. Okay, it would have been rather crowded after a while, but we'd all be innocent, naked and happy. But I guess we all want to be loved by choice not because there isn't an other option, so I figure that's why God planted those trees there for Adam and Eve to have a very simple choice: to love God in obeying one very simple command or, well, not. And God must have known that eventually someone would have decided to disobey him and take a fruit sooner or later because he had "Plan B" (which is Jesus and salvation though him) ready up his sleeves.

And ever since we have to make choices, again and again. Sin does not just happen to me, it always involves a choice to do or NOT to do something, sad but true. Lately too often I dwell on focusing on what a sinner I am, instead of focusing on the Forgiver of all sins. It is also a choice to trust Him, that He has forgiven me in the past, will forgive me in the future and is forgiving me my shortcomings right now, IF I repent and confess. I'm not a good trust-er though, neither in trusting my Lord and Saviour nor trusting other people although often I'm kind of naive.

It also hurts me to see my little guy slighted by other kids. I know he's no angel (gash, I live with him every day), but he loves to play with others but they don't need him.... nor want him. I mean, there are so many kids on board and the majority is girls and they have a great time playing house together, or with their dolls or dress up, or fairies or do other pink and glittery and fluffy things. And seriously, would you, if you were 3 years old, like a boy playing with you who looks older and bigger than yourself but is actually much younger and can't yet talk properly (and unfortunately screams a lot at itmes) and always wants to touch your hair or even kiss you??? Unfortunately Ned's fascinated by blonde hair and always wants to touch it and he's a very "physical" little guy and shows his affection with trying to kiss them. So as soon as he gets close to the little girl's gang he gets greeted with "No Ned!! NOOOOOO Ned, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ned!!", sometimes being pushed around (I guess he also pushes them), often without him even having done anything at all, just being there. It makes me very reluctant to go and meet with the others, although their mum's are my friends.

One girls who is maybe 2 or 3 years older than him really doesn't like him, but she's good friends with one of the few boys Ned's age and hypes that boy up against Ned as well. Somehow then he does really silly things as well, e.g. the other day he saw those two kids running through the dinning run and ran after them, and what did he do?? He hugged the girl from behind and in doing so tackled her to the ground. That is NOT the way to make friends. It surprised me so much how much it affects me that other children don't want to play with him, because he would play with just everyone. You kind of know that kids do that kind of thing to each other constantly, one time they gang up against A just to gang up against B the next day, but all the knowledge doesn't prepare you for the emotions which bubble up inside of you seeing your kid being "ganged" up on. I guess I'm just not used to having so many other kids around. At home our only kids friends are Silas and Sofia. I guess because he can't defend himself verbally he also does it physically, which doesn't help to make friends either.

I'm so grateful for little Linde and Eva because they play nicely together (even though I found him eating their crayons today.... and afterwards spitting out the little pieces ... great). Sigh... I hope it'll get better once he's able to communicate better, not only in screaming loudly if displeased but actually being able to say what the problem is.

One older lady came to me the other day, and I know she meant well... but it back fired. She told me with her strong American accent: "I'm praying for you, Your son reminds me so much of our grandson, he's the most strong-willed kid I have ever known." Thank you very much (for praying), but I can honestly say, that there are more strong-willed kiddos around than mine. Yes, he is strong-willed,.... or persistent, and yes, unfortunately he displays that streak quite often in public and yes, I do struggle with his tantrums as well (I mean, who loves their kids going bananas???? We all would much rather have well behaved little angels), BUT he isn't like that all the time. He is really, really awesome when it's time to clean up his toys, more often than not going to bed isn't a problem as well as brushing his teeth, he "helps" me with putting things in the bin (even if I don't want something to be put in the bin), helps me emptying the laundry machine or helps carrying things. He is very good with Cedric as well as with the other baby on board (okay, he always tried to poke out Cedric's eyes, but hey, nobody is perfect). He can entertain himself nicely and play all by himself, he can sit patiently and read a book with you (as long as you don't actually try to read it to him, but rather point out things).

And despite the fact that he is so tall, he IS only 2 1/2, which is right in the middle of the horrible twos, and most kids do have their terrible twos, either when they are two or some time later when they are twenty or so and I prefer him having them while he truly is two.

I also started to think about the life we lived with him so far and it has been very unsettled. I mean, we dragged him all over the globe, literally. The first time he flew he was only 2 months and by now I almost lost count of how many times we've flown with him since. He has not only been to different countries with the Logos Hope or Doulos, but we also "dragged" him to Australia (and stayed in 13 different places within 3 months), India, Germany and America. Although I don't regret the life we lived and still live, I long to live a life which is slightly more settled and look forward to living in one place for a couple of years.... Australia, here we come (soon at least, hopefully around April next year for a couple of years)... that's the plan at least, let's see.

There have been constantly so many changes in his little life that it's no surprise that he has to cope with it somehow. And I suppose screaming is his way of coping. I don't want to make excuses for him but stand up to him. He IS MY son and I dearly love him with all his shortcomings.

Well, talking about an unsettled life, we're actually planing another trip to the desert for two nights.... I'm seriously starting to doubt my own sanity, but if you want adventures in life you have to grab an opportunity when it presents itself.... I hope I won't regret my decision.... I somehow can see myself already being stuck in a car between Ned and Ced and trying to entertain them during the 4h drive to the place where we are going.

P.S. I just found out the secret for Ned to be able to play alright with the girls: get them one at the time and not all together and they can play beautifully together :o)

Time flies

Wow, we are on our last voyage with Logos Hope, and it looks like we won't have another voyage with a ship for quite some time, somehow it saddens me, voyages are always kind of special, but then thinking of feeling seasick and BEING seasick or walking uphill and walking downhill although you're just walking from one side of the cabin to the other (or not walking at all) or being afraid that drawers come shooting out at you and your offspring or being afraid of rolling out of bed or stinking drain because the ship's movement destroys the water seal in the siphon bend or many other little things, then I'm quite happy not to have another voyage too soon. On the other hand it is rather convenient to go from A to B with all your things. If I thinking of our big move from A (Germany) to B (Australia) some time earlyish next year I wished I could have all our stuff on a ship and not having to worry about what to bring, what to send, what to sell or give away and then buy again, what to chuck out... I HATE EVEN THE THOUGHT OF PACKING.... grrrrrrr, andI know it is silly, but sometimes you get really rather attached to things (I know we shouldn't but some things are just plain... convenient, aren't they??)... but I'm wandering off in areas I wasn't even thinking of wandering off to, so, what was I thinking about?? Where was I...????

ahm...

Logos Hope, last voyage, that's where I was... so far it feels very smooth but since the voyage from Malta to Tripoli I do not trust the Mediterranean anymore.... we shall see how it goes.

Muster at sea and testing the life jacket whistles

First time wearing a life jacket

It feels really strange. Somehow I feel like we've lived on board all the time, and never left (somehow an additional baby just appeared) and I can not imagine going back living in Germany, living there seems so... unreal, living on a ship on the other hand feels so real. But I guess once we're back home it'll be exactly the opposite... feeling are weird things.

There are certainly some aspects of life I am looking forward to back home, e.g. fast internet connection oops, I mean, the grandparents (Ned still comments some times: "Opa, aua belly", that Opa had been sick definitely left an impact on this 2-year-old boy), FAST internet (which is all relative, but compared with the ship's internet speed ours at home is super fast), being able to check and write emails without any problems... I have biiiig challenges accessing them here aboard, and once I'm able to read them the next challenge is to answer emails, so I'm sorry if I haven't written back to you guys (Lorraine: the pictures of the house our great and it definitely is an option, but would we have to keep the couch, I really don't like it's colourJ, Silke: I am soooooo happy for you guys and am looking forward meeting No. 2J... but hang on, most probably we won't be in the country no more... Isa: CONGRATULTION, it's a boy!!!! YAY!!! And it is sooooo cute that Sofia is praying for Ned and Ced, thank you so muchJ, Heike: I do think of you guys alot and hope and pray that you are doing alright... looking forward catching up with you again... on FB or via email AND maybe even in person if it works out to see you in Rothenburg... that would be SO coolJ!!!!). I'm also very much looking forward of cooking myself again,... and good tasting water AND bubbly water (mixed with juice... I'm not drinking enough here because it tastes so aweful, so most days I'm a bit dehydrated or pumped up too much with diet coke... I know, I'm addicted). And roller blading... and running... and late autumn walks, and winter walks, and cold, crisp air, and our car and not having to make my bed every single day and nice supermarkets close by....

But there are other things I will miss dearly.... the cloth dryer... uhm, I mean our friends, OF COURSEJJJJJJ and the other children, and living a bit in an great adventure, the charm of living on a ship not having to cook, especially when I don't feel like cooking or don't have an idea WHAT to cookJ, fundeck for Ned, chats with many people... and many more things.... sigh....

I'm actually also convinced that my baby can secretly read already. I think he's reading what I write here on this blog and tries to proof me wrong.... today he woke up at 5:30am instead of his usual 7:30-ish, hmpf!!!! Growth spurt??? And yesterday, when we went to the markets in the morning he was strapped to be in his sling and I kinda thought "Man, where ever I go, it always stinks!!" until it dawned on me that I was carrying the stinky offender strapped to me... great, why does he have to choose to make an extra poo in the most inconvenient moments??? And not only that, he managed to spread it up almost to his ears so I had to change the little guy from head to toe on a bit of a grassy area in the middle of town... hmmmm.....

Okay, I should go to bed soon, but thought I'd share one more funny little story about Ned and the voyage.

Well, he is one of those little guys who LOVES to put stuff in the bin and to be honest, I just plain abuse this love, I make him put all sorts of things in the bin, and he happily trots off. And especially he LOVES to put things in the nappy bin in the bathroom. It has a lid, and when opened it... takes your breath away (I hate opening that thing). But nonetheless he insists on throwing things in that particular bin, instead of the bin here in the main cabin (which is pretty boring, because it hasn't got a lid). Anyway, today he found something on the floor, exclaimed "rubbish bin" and trotted of to the bathroom. Well, the voyage is pretty smooth, but still, the bathroom door just does not stay open but the light in the bathroom was off. So he went in the bathroom and by the time he reached the bin the door had closed on him, so he went back to the door, opened it and once again, when he reached the bin, the bathroom door again... I don't know how often he did this, but in the end he put the rubbish in the bin in the darkJ.

Ou ja, and by the way, he's finally worked out how to use the paddles on the tricycle... unfortunately only backwardsJJJJ.

First time on a swing

Almost four months

I think Ced has the perfect age at the moment:

• he doesn't roll yet nor does he move in any other way (except being moved by us)
• he sleeps like a star, at night times in average 10 -11h and 3x a day another 1,5-2h
• he's down to 4 bottles a day
• he normally poos once a day
• and if he doesn't sleep, drink or poo he smiles a LOT!!!!!

He's just plain GORGEOUS!!!!! (I'm biased, I know, I'm his mother J)

But seriously he is such an easy going and very smiley baby, I have so many people talk to my "back" (or Ced who hangs over my shoulder) and most of them get rewarded with a biiiiiiiiiig grin, and it makes me happy that he makes them happy and looks happy making them and me happy!!!!

In a way, I wished he would stay (almost) four months forever, no teething, no rolling/army crawling/crawling/running away and mum running after rolling/army crawling/crawling/running kiddo, no horrible twos, no tantrums, no teenage years... just a baby who is always happy if not sleeping, drinking or pooing. Would I really like it though??? No, I would not. And although we had and still have many, many challenging moments with our two-year-old, I love watching him growing up, think fondly back to the time when he was a very easy-going baby and look forward to seeing the man he will be one day. I guess that's the adventure and excitement of life, seeing growth, seeing changes, and seeing them making choices for themselves some time in the future... but for now I enjoy my easy-going charming baby and adventurous toddler, who can be more than charming as well, if he doesn't decide to throw a tantrumJ ... could you resist a little two-year-old boy who demands kisses from mum and dad all the time??? I try to get as many as I can, because soon he'll think kissing mum or dad VERY un-cool!!

P.S. ou yeah, I forgot about the puking though, it comes out of the blue without any pre-warning and gets rewarded with a big grin afterwards... but hey, nobody is perfect, not even my (almost) four months oldJJJJ

Another day out in the desert

Lately I seem to have many bizarre reality check moments. Today I had a couple more.

Our trip to the desert wasn't really how I thought it would be, but none the less we had a great day. Both my boys are sound asleep now for quite some time and the smell of open wood fire still lingers in their hair, as well as lots of fine sand.

I have lots of imagination, that's why it's quite easy for me to imagine why off-road-four-wheel-driving sounds and is really attractive to many people. I am not one of them though. I highly appreciate getting where we're going to but the way there I do not enjoy so much. For one I tend to get slightly carsick, and humping and bumping around doesn't count to my favourite activities as well. Nonetheless I was humping and bumping around on the back seat of a 4W drive once again to go out into the desert.

Our very first stop was a butcher to get some freshly butchered chicken... I think I have never bought a chicken at the butchers, always in the supermarket... sad but true... sometimes I really dislike the modern life I live, at least a little bit.

Our next stop were sand dunes again, sand dunes with extremely fine sand, sand dunes with extremely fine sand and quite a bit of wind so that extremely fine sand was everywhere (I tried to cover my camera with a plastic bag, hopefully it helped to keep the sand out). So there I sat on top of a sand dune, watching one of my sons playing with some beach toys (thanks Hilde for lending them) while feeding the other one his bottle (which I had accidentally dropped and it had rolled down half of the sand dune before I could reach it... yumm, sandy milk) and contemplating life.

After that we went to the place we were to have lunch, actually where we were to prepare lunch for ourselves. I didn't really understand why we were going where we were going, they told us that it was some sort of a flat. The longer we drove the more I started to dread the way back again, still not really understanding why we'd be going there at all and not just have lunch somewhere in the desert, maybe because it was quite windy and also quite cloudy.

Anyway, we were driving through the middle of nowhere when all of a sudden we could see a house on top of a hill, which ended up to be our destination. This house had some nice grass around it (in the middle of the desert) and some animals next to it: camels, doves, sheep, goats.

When our guide unlocked the house our eyes met with quite an impressive looking living room as well as a toilet with a "Wow" effect. As Cedric hadn't really slept the entire morning (he did get a little bit of sleep while being bumped around in his little car seat which I luckily insisted on bringing), I preffered to go outside again and put him down for a nap on the grass. So I sat there watching him sleep, crocheting some more of my cap and enjoying the peace and quiet on a grass patch in the middle of the desert while the men started to prepare lunch: BBQ chicken, spicy Macaroni, bread and cucumber/tomato/spring onion salad. It did feel rather strange that I was the only woman and all the 6 men were busy in the kitchen preparing lunch or watching Ned (thank you "uncle" RonnieJ), BUT I didn't complain too much JJJJJ.

After lunch we went into this grand living room. Have you ever stayed in one of the houses of your president, chancellor, prime minister or whoever is leading your country???? Well, neither have I, I don't even know were good old Angie (Merkel) lives. But here I was sitting and bottle feeding Cedric(again) in one of the places the leader of Libya stays when he happens to be in this area of his country... we were told. I bottle fed Cedric in (one of) his living room(s)... and took a photo of the toilet (I don't want to offend anyone, but the toilet looked really so fancy, I have never seen such a fancy toilet ever before). Hello!! Reality check!!!

Ned, although being two already for quite some time, is still a nappy boy and unfortunately he has quite some problems with his plumbing down below the last couple days, if you get my meaning. So while I was feeding Ced in this grand living room Ned did something in his nappy and Ben, no worries at all, went off to change said nappy. I guess we culture shocked quite some men (and have done so in previous trips as well). While Ben was gone Mr. Mohamed said to me: "You need to pray 20 times a day and thank your God for this husband"J... he's right, I should say thank you way more often for this awesome husband of mine, love you, BenJJJJ!!!!!

When we finally left around 4pm (we were supposed to be back by 4pm) we did another stop in the desert, to make bachbuti (or something that sounds similar to what I just wrote or maybe not at all, because I really don't have a clue anymore what it was called, but as you don't know any better you just have to believe what I write J... but I digress) . It's what I call desert bread, the pita you bake in the fire in the desert.It took forever this time, because normally the sand of the desert is really hot and helps baking the bread, but today was rather cool and the bread would and would not be ready. But how often in your life can you just sit in the desert, smell wood fire, watch some camels in the distance and one of your sons playing with his toys in the sand (this time a rather rougher grained sand, which didn't get everywhere, PTL!!!) I have learned to relax a bit and go with the flow. If we don't get there now, we'll get there laterJ !

How many two year old do you know who love having there nose cleaned??? Exactly.... but I know one!!! He happens to be my son!! In it self it is really great that he wants his nose wiped, unfortunately he gets very loud and urgent about it: "Nose, clean! NOSE CLEAN!!!! NOOOOOSEEEE CLLEEEEEAAAAAAN!!!!" And he says it in German, which not everyone understands, so he gets frustrated with those people who seem to refuse him a tissue :o)

Do you get totally guey inside when offspring did something incredibly cute???? Do you get upset if other kids slight or reject your kid??? Are you hurting when your child does??? Is all you wanna talk about; " YOUR CHILDREN"? Congratulation, I just diagnosed you with the "mother-decease" (aka as the "father-decease". I would have NEVER EVER believed it of myself, but here I am, fully on with the mother syndrome.. my eyes water up if Ned does something incredibly cute, it might not even be something special in other people's eyes, but for me it is. For example today he found my little note book. And he started to "read" it alaod: "blahblahblah, brushing teeth...blahblahblah.... spit it out... blahblahblah... wash hands". I really couldn't recollect that I had written down our evening teeth-brushing-routineJ. Yes, I confessed before, that at times I do struggle to like the kid I love so much, and being stuck within such a moment of struggle it's hard to see the other side, but more often than not I am so absolutely crazy about those two little guys with the pretty dark eyes. And yes, there are lots of frustrations raising a child, but counting the cost (so to speak) I would much rather have them with all the struggles than living without them or never have know them.

Two of Ned's best friends are Linde and Eva and luckily they just live down the hall. Maybe their pink doll stroller was one little draw point to befriend them, but he talks about them a lot. (although sometimes he says "Silas" instead of Eva, hmmm strange). Yesterday he was here in our cabin, when all of a sudden he said: Linde, kiss!!! So we had to go down the corridor so that he could give Linde a kiss:o)))

As I said, he loves that pink stroller as well, and luckily our friends have two so Linde and Ned can play doll mummy and daddy together.

Yesterday the girls also had their bath time and they offered to make room for him in the bath tub but he preferred "shooting" them J.

Well, enough of cute offspring. Today we had the amazing privilege to go to a place called Leptis Magna. It's an ancient ruined Roman city, and I must say, those Romans did not take good care of neither their houses nor their roads (I tried to make a joke, in case you didn't get).

It's amazing!!! On Wikipedia it says:

"The site is one of the most spectacular and unspoiled Roman ruins in the Mediterranean."

Before I steal more words, you better go directly to Wikepedia and read for yourself if you are interested. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lepcis_Magna)

So, now you know more about Leptis Magna than I do and we can move on...

At this ancient Roman city I had one of those bizarre moments again: I sat down on an inscripted ancient stone and fed Ced his bottle.... I started wondering what this lump of stone had seen in its life (if rocks had eyes that is.... do rocks live???). Who had chosen this lump for whatever purpose and who had engraved it??? And where was it originally positioned and what made it fall down and serve me as a feeding-"seat" for Ced.... I'll never know, but I took a photo of the rock with Ced on it.

Ned enjoyed jumping off old ruins

there are always some things you have to do, even in old ruined cities

Daddy taxis

Well, there is still so many things to be done tonight, somehow the laundry-monster has followed me from Germany and Ben's shirts beg me to iron them. I also have get my backpack ready for tomorrow, because tomorrow we'll be going in the desert once again, this time only a one hour ride (so I was told), lunch and another hour back to the ship.

And before I let you go and do more important things than reading my waffling, I thought I'd share once more one of my "silly-Becca-thing-you-should-never-do" moments:

We do have a fridge in our cabin (PTL), and it does work (and don't worry, unlike the microwave it still works despite my silliness). It also has a tiny little freezer compartment which normally never works. Believe me, I tried to store ice cream in it once and that wasn't a good idea, honestly. So this silly freezer thing does NOT work, it doesn't even have a flap/door/thingy on it. So smart me thought I'd store my lovely Coke Zero cans in it. Bad idea. Some time during the evening I heard a little bang, bust somehow I don't seem to pay as much attention to funny noises as I used to, and didn't think anything of it. Well, when I opened the fridge to put some what in I wondered why in all the world there was brown liquid all over the fridge. I guess that you have guessed it already and you guess it right.... some of my cans had exploded and sprayed my precious Coke Zero all over the fridge... so I should go and clean that up as well, sigh.... I much rather drink the stuff than clean in out of the fridge.... grummelgrummelgrummel.... that silly freezer thing NEVER works... grummelgrummelgrummel.....

Random

I LOVE the word RANDOM, maybe because it describes me so well (at times at least). I somehow seem to say and do rather random (or should I say "silly"?) things. Ben and I love playing the game: "Now, where did that random though come from???", we try to trace back a thought to where it might have sprung from, it kind of funny, because some random thoughts which then pop out of my mouth as random words have also a rather random origins.

Anyway...

I did something rather silly the other day... and even worse I only discovered today how silly it was. I killed the microwave (here, I confessed it!!)!!! I killed it because my random brain was busy in some random way which I can't remember anymore. The only time I use the microwave is in the morning when I sterilize the baby bottles with it. I clean the bottle, put them in a special microwave-baby-bottle-sterilizer-thing, add 200ml of water, put the microwave on 800W and put it on 9 min. Well, the other day I thought I did just that, but after 2min or so, it made a funny noise, the microwave I mean, and I thought: "How strange". After another 2 min it made another funny noise, and I still thought: "How strange" when all of a sudden my brain (FINALLY) kicked into gear: "Becca, did you put the water in??" No, Becca had not put the water in, so my, or better Ced's, baby bottles were roasted for 4 in without the water which produces the steam and sterilizes the bottles. Well, previously to this little incident I did have the random thought: "Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I forgot to put the water in??". Well, now I new, the microwave makes funny noises. But to be honest, I only discovered just now, WHY the microwave made funny noises: well, something must have broken or melted and the silly thing doesn't work anymore, I only discovered because a cup of water wouldn't heat up anymore.... Becca, that was SOOOO silly.. and I guess I have to go and find some Electrician and confess to him and Hilde or Kim who organized for us to have this microwave in this cabin.... ou man!!! And then I somehow need to get a different, working microwave, because, well this one ISN'T working anymore, and we need a working one.... hmmmmmmmm.

Another random thing happened today and I am hundred percent sure that this time it was absolutely none of my doing. After lunch at around 1:30pm I put Cedric down for a nap. I kept Ned up because a bit later there was this nice "Welcome to Mizerata" thing on the quay side with horses and costumes and stuff and I wanted Ned to see it. So Ned and I waited in my friends cabin down the corridor, while Ced slept in our cabin. I had the baby phone with me though. When we were to go down to the quay side I quickly checked on Ced. He was sleeping, but the baby phone, which I had put next to his head, was laying on our bed around 2m away. I do many things which I later can not recollect, but this time I am absolutely sure that I had put the phone next to his head. Strange...

It is also rather random for me to start crocheting. I hated handcraft stuff back in my good old school time (ahhh, those were the days)... so I hadn't done it in something like 20 years, BUT my hand sill remember how it works, crazy...