I struggle to like the child I love so much

Normally you start a story at the beginning, don’t you??? And I guess the beginning of the story of our little trip to inland Libya started one or two days before we actually left (so hopefully I’m not boring you to much, but if I do, feel free to scroll downJ, it IS getting a bit emotional, because emotions boiled a bit over, just before the trip to the desert).

Sometimes I struggle so much to like the child I love so much. I struggle with his behaviour, with his screaming and kicking, with the little boy, who can also be so adorable, can be so much fun, can care for other children, can share with people, can eat nicely, can go down to sleep like an little angels, can obey, can play with lots of imagination either alone or with others, can tidy up, can give kisses and hugs, can flash cheeky grins… as I said, he CAN. But lately he often showed his rather, uhm, not so pleasant side, a side we all have, the sinful one. And I am ashamed of it! It makes me sad, embarrassed, boiling hot, angry, aggressive, discouraged, impatient, short tempered … it makes the worst come out in me, MY sinful side. I saw him pulling out some hair of a little girl, push another one, “steal” food from a third, and of course his tantrums, they returned big times. People ask me why he screams so much in the dinning room. It makes me want to give them stupid sinful answers, or defending or justify his behaviour, although I can't stand his screaming myself!!! I hate him screaming in the dinning room, screaming in the staircases, screaming on deck 4… I hate him screaming wherever, to be honest, even alone with one of us in the cabin, all in private. It makes me feel aggressive and I feel like it’s making us look like incapable parents, like failures (I know that feelings are often not based on reality, but still, they are there). You start to compare: Other children don’t seem to do as much screaming as him (remember, the grass always seems greener on the other side). Comparing makes me feel even worse, I start complaining to God about my son, about life, about everything although I know and see that there are so many things I am so immensely grateful for, inclusive the very same son.

Nap time has been a such a struggle lately, it's gotten so much worse since being back on the ship. Instead of sleeping he’s taken his bedding apart, emptied drawers of nicely folded laundry, emptied cupboard of more laundry, sat on top of drawers, sat in drawers and also stood in drawers. I don’t mind him not sleeping and reading or playing in bed, but I do greatly mind him doing all those other things: I spend all that time folding the laundry, I don’t want him to get hurt or fall over because of the drawers, I don’t want him to BREAK the drawers AND I want him to learn to obey me, his mother!!!! You might think: “Why bother with nap times if he so obviously doesn’t need it anymore??” Well, I tell you why bother with naptimes, if he doesn’t go down for a nap, he is a grumpy ratbag for the rest of the day, that’s why I bother with nap times!!!.

Monday and Tuesdays were two days when our nap time issue almost got out of control. On Monday I made the decision to take him out of bed after a while without him having slept at all, with the result that I had a whining and screaming and extremely naughty kid for the rest of the day. I guess it doesn’t help in particular, that Ben is so busy. So often something urgent pops up for him, just at that very time when it used to be “daddy time”. Ben really tries to spend as much time with us as possible, but somehow urgent situations always seem to happen in the most inconvenient moments. Well, on Monday, Ben was with us for dinner, but as I said Ned was, uhm, being difficult… and very loud about it, in fact kicking and screaming and Ben took Ned up to the cabin, while I finished eating. Being still in the dinning room I could see that there was an amazing sunset, so I thought I’d use the time to take some photos of the sunset while Ben was with Ned. I rushed to the cabin, noticed that Ned was still in his room screaming and Ben in the main cabin, grabbed the camera and rushed out again to the aft of the ship. The sunset was spectacular!! Our God really is the greatest artist of all!! At one point I thought I heard my name being paged, but I didn’t understand it properly, so I thought “Who in the world would page for me anyway??” and ignored it. When the sun had finally set, I went back to the cabin to be greeted by a very upset toddler and also, surprisingly, a slightly upset husband, who accused me of locking a door. I do many silly things without thinking, but I was very sure, I didn’t lock no doors… when he saw my puzzled look he asked: “So you didn’t lock the door to Ned’s cabin???” I mean, hello, why in the world would I lock the door to Ned’s cabin while he’s screaming his head of on the other side???? Well, I suppose Ned tried to free himself and locked himself instead accidentally. After Ned had calmed down a bit, Ben wanted to get him out of his room but couldn’t open the door, it was locked. He tried the key from the main cabin, but it wouldn’t fit. He tried talking Ned into how to unlock himself again. He thought I must have locked the door when I rushed in to grab the camera, so he tried to contact me which didn’t work out. Of course the little guy inside the cabin started getting a bit hysteric and Ben was getting desperate to get the door open. He was just contemplating how best to break the door down when he remembered that the captain has a grand master key which opens all doors (at least on our ship that is, not on yours or anywhere else of course) and luckily he found him quickly and they released the (self-inflicted) little prisoner. I returned shortly after and was confronted with the accusation of having locked the little guy in his cabin. To be honest, this accusation was founded neither on logic nor facts; I mean why would I lock him in the first place??? And if Ben’s cabin key didn’t fit why should mine do so?? Well, he forgave me for unknowingly being suspected of locking up our son in his cabin and then running away and hiding with my camera to take pictures of a sunset.

So on Tuesday, I was determined for Ned to have his nap time. I was in no mood whatsoever to have the same behaviour again as the day before. And it needed drastic measures!! I had told him before, if he didn’t stay in bed, I would take away his beloved teddy and best friend Hermie. When I put him in bed, HE told me: “Stay bed… Hermie away”, but unfortunately he didn’t take my threat serious, but I meant business!! When I found him almost sitting in the top drawers again, I calmly (at least on the outside, inside I was boiling) put him back to bed and tried to explain to him that I would take Hermie now and then left the cabin. I felt so miserable… incapable, sinful, angry, ashamed, sad…. and many more things hard to explain. So here I sat on the verge of tears and over there he screamed his head off for I don’t know how long (too long, that’s for sure) but I had to see it through. When he finally went quiet I went over, and there he lay, my little boy, my little angel, so much loved, but sometimes not liked… or better, his behaviour not liked. I love the person, but not the deed… strangely familiar, isn’t it???? God loves the sinner, but not sin. He loves ME so much, but not MY sin. And he forgives me, again and again. And just like I am forgiven, God wants me to forgive. I have to forgive Ned, forgive him, for making me feel like a incapable mother, for embarrassing me, for bringing up my worst, my sinful self.

When he’d calmed down I went in to pass Hermie back to Ned, he wasn’t asleep, just utterly exhausted. I said to him: “I forgive you”, because I needed to forgive him, I wanted to ask him to forgive me as well, but I guess that is just a bit too high for a 2 year old to grasp. And I saw it in his eyes anyway, that he’d forgiven me and loves me as much as ever. He gave me a kiss. He very quickly went to sleep, him and Hermie.

I would LOVE to be able now to write, that for the rest of the day, he was the little angel boy I know is somewhere hidden there, but unfortunately it got so much WORSE after nap time.

After Ned woke up again, Ben came to the cabin, we went down to go for dinner and Ben got a phone call (oh how I hate those mobile phones at times)!! He hadn’t even sat down or gotten his food but had to leave right there and then. So I was alone again with Ned and the screaming started again, with no obvious reason, I left the food standing on the table grabbed my kicking and screaming kid, rushed up to our cabin and dumped him in his room again. I was so mad (where was the forgiveness again???)!!! I was so exhausted. He was screaming in his cabin for almost an hour and I lay on my bed or infront of the door to his cabin sobbing. He cried for mama, he cried for mama to come, and he cried for daddy, for daddy to come. Daddy, daddy, daddy, and sobbing and sobbing… my heart hurting like crazy, but I felt so incapable to deal with the situation. Finally Ben came back and Ned was allowed to come out again. He didn’t want me, he went straight to his daddy. He misses him so much. Back home Ben would be home as good as every lunch time and evening, as well as the entire weekend. And now we live where Ben works and we hardly see him because Mr. Ben here and Mr. Ben there and Mr. Ben everywhere. I feel aweful to request two hours a day (basically from dinner time to bed time), because Ben IS so busy and there as so many things which have to be dealt with and he is the contact man, but it also breaks my heart to see this little boy yearning for his daddy.

So that was the situation before we left for our overnight trip to Misdah, and to be honest, I really didn’t want to go anymore dreading the behaviour of my son, especially in a culture, where kids, especially boys, are allowed to do anything without any consequences. I did pack a whole bag full of bribes though… positive enforcement, I mean…

I should go to bed now... night night