A post about little nothings...

I wanted to send this post yesterday already but then some great technical problems occurred (.... I forgot to push the PUBLISH POST button.. oops):

Spring showed up, and it felt wonderful!!!!! If your body is used to minus degrees, 12C seem REALLY warm!!! And the sun was out... I was almost tempted putting my laundry on the outside cloth line for drying, but then I couldn't be bothered:o)))

Ned's been away for the weekend at my parents so we felt like we had a little holiday ourselves, but I miss my little big guy and look forward having him back. We went for a good loooooong walk... if Ned's around the walks are long as well, but well, the distance isn't.... aaaaaand I used the time of him being goon to go roller blading again, the first time this year, in fact the fist time since before going to Logos Hope in October. It felt good.... except for all those people who were out and about to enjoy the sunshine and block up the path with their slow walking or with little kids trying to ride their bicycles... I almost made one little boy driving into the bushes, but I only wanted to get past him and he basically over reacted... well, he's alright

We just had a friend over for dinner and watched a movie afterwards: Young Victoria!! If you like costume films like Pride and Prejudice and the like you'll like this movie too. I like it a lot, it's clean, funny, slightly cheesy at times (a bit TOOOO cheesy for me at some parts) and, ach ja, also romantic... but I think even Ben enjoyed it, at least he stayed until the end of the movie although he only wanted to see the beginning:o))))

Bumper stickers

I'm not really the bumper sticker kind of girl. You'd never catch me with a sticker on the back (I mean the back of my car OF COURSE!!!): "Ned on board" or "I use my breaks for animals as well", BUT I am a great fan of reading bumper stickers!! In fact I'm one of those people who loves reading alllll sorts of things, like street signs, or shop signs, T-shirt logos or whatever happens to cross my eyes (My all time favourite sign is the one in Australia saying: "WRONG WAY!!! TURN BACK"... I always wonder how they want to know that this really isn't the way I want to go... but I digress )... and if you're unfortunate enough to be next to me while I discover different kind of read-ables I would also let you know what I can read somewhere... so that's where bumper stickers come in.

Some are so ridiculously stupid and don't make any sense whatsoever... others are rather funny but the problem is that the ones which are annoying and even offending are the ones which stick to my brain like honey to a bee.

There is this one car parking sometimes here in the area and every time I walk past, that stupid bumper sticker jumps in my eyes, freely translated into English it's something like this:
"No [BEEEP] kid on board with [BEEP] name"

(Censored version because it isn't nice to even write the word)

It makes me want to stick a yellow sticky memo underneath with a rude reply, something like:

"...but stupid driver driving!!"

(I know, that wouldn't be very nice nor "the" Christian thing neither, so I haven't)

But today I could NOT believe my eyes... I think I even stopped in my tracks and stared at it for a while. In a rather cute and sweet looking font I read:

"Jesus LOVES you, but everyone else thinks you're an [BEEP]hole".

I always like reading Christian messages as bumper stickers so at first I was rather bamboozled because I got stuck at the "Jesus loves you" part, and then shock!

I started wondering.... is it a believer with a very odd sense of humour or is it someone who makes fun about Christian messages on bumpers??? To be honest I haven't even worked out yet what I would like to write on a yellow sticky memo in reply, I just know if you're serious about Jesus you shouldn't put the dirty word and Him in one and the same sentence...

And now it's just like with a bad movie, it is stuck in my brain (so many aweful movies I watched I can still remember quite well and now and then they come to my mind and I wonder why in the world someone would create a movie like this) and now and then I'll think about it because it's so stupid and rude and I'll wonder why the person chose or maybe even designed this sticker... why drive around with this message stuck to your car.... and it makes me sad, so sad.

It isn't enough to tell people that Jesus loves them but we have to show God's love in loving them ourselves... maybe I should take it as a challenge to love people more.... maybe I should create my own bumper sticker saying: "Jesus loves you and I love you too"?????... naaaaaa.... as I said, I'm not the bumper sticker kind of girl.

Night night

The joys of parenthood

Today the boys were taking their first bath together...

...and yes, the water IS blue... we put some special bath color in :o))

You might know but patience isn't one of my strength, quite the contrary unfortunately... and potty training strains my little amount of patience quite a bit. In fact it's one of the most trying things on the road of parenthood so far. Somehow you kind of wonder if it will ever work out or if your toddler will be still in his nappies by the age of 18... but today was a remarkable day. Not only did I have the great privilege of sleeping in and only getting out of bed past noon (I was quite sleep deprived, which was self inflicted though rather than caused by offspring). It felt great!! And I felt really rested. And while I snoozed away the penny must have dropped with Ned: he finally started telling us when he had to pee!! YAY!!! Three cheers for offspring!!! And he continued doing so the entire rest of the day.... so there is hope that he'll be out of his nappies before he turns 18.... but we still have to work on "No. 2"s... how can you not realize you have to go... strange... ou well, a step a time.... the joys of parenthood!!!

Well, Ced upgraded!! Our little giant baby has finally almost reached the point where he almost out-grew his little bed, sigh.. they do grow up so fast, soon he'll be askin' for the car keys (and not to chew on them but actually to drive the car).

So this is his good old "Pogy" bed:

And this is the new upgrade, and once again it is a travel version and folds up really small which is pretty appropriate for the life we live.

quality control: yepp, seems to satisfy!!

Isn't he a cutey??

Well, I should go to bed, it is again almost 1am, but one more story to finish off:

Today Ned played "mum", I was send to (his) bed, then he said "night night", climbed on a chair, switched off the light, got down again, and closed the door on me. Well, he is a rather particular little guy, and always HAS to have three things when going to bed: Hermie (his beloved teddy bear), Hankie (a handkerchief) and Trinken (his water bottle). So I thought I'd better ask for them as well. So as soon as he'd closed the door on me, I started to chant like he does: "Hermie, Hankie, Trinken!". And indeed he came back in, climbed back on the chair, switched on the light and went in search for those beloved three items... he'll make a great mum one day... dad I mean :o))))

But off I go to bed now... night, night!!

Memory lane and mid-life crisis... does that happen when you're 30???

Sometimes I feel like I haven't achieved anything with my life so far.

Yes, you'll tell me that I'm a wonderful mum and a good wife, and yes, I have been in missions and missions is still on my heart, but I feel like I suck at it. I'm not one of those people-driven people, I'm goal-oriented, task-driven, which makes me feel aweful as well, because Christianity is about people, right??

I tend to go to bed way to late lately, but when I finally go to bed I think about life and many aspects of faith instead of sleeping which is slightly irritating and neither very useful nor practical (as the night ends in the morning... true words). In one of those thinking times instead of sleeping I had a *BING* moment: God created people differently on purpose!!! People-driven people aren't "better" than task-driven people they are just differently wired and BOTH designed by God in HIS image. That thought was very comforting to me.

It also made me think of Mary and Martha... I guess most females are intrigued by them because there aren't so many stories of women in the gospels. I love the two stories, and I love thinking about those two followers of Christ. Often we want to be like Mary, we don't wanna be Martha who gets it all wrong, right?? But have you ever really thought about the fact that it was Martha who came running to Jesus when he came after Lazarus had died?? Mary stayed put in despair... but so often we think of Mary as the one who got it right and Martha as the one who got it wrong but I guess it's rather about that we all mess up and no one is perfect in fact, and Jesus gets it right.

I'm a Martha, I'm task-oriented, task-driven and just like Martha I do get it wrong big times, but then there are times when I have bright moments just like her and trust in Jesus in all the misery and chaos. Maybe Jesus didn't "tell her off" so much because she stayed in the kitchen but because she wanted to force her task-driven nature on he people-driven sister?? Does that make any sense?? I mean, people need food and they came to the sisters for accommodation, food an fellowship, right?? And if Martha hadn't done her job where would we be, eh?? But I'm no theologian, but somehow these thoughts make me feel okay being rather a Martha than an Mary, because where would the world be without us Marthas??

Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna put people-people down, but try to understand who this person is that God created in HIS image; me.

Another thing I discovered of late is that I much more prefer being creative than being instructive. I don't like teaching, it doesn't come natural to me. Some of my friends just thrill in passing on their knowledge and help others... no, not I, it sound much more like a nightmare to me, teaching, instructing... but nonetheless it IS my job at the moment... teaching and instructing and raising my (at least most of the times) adorable boys!! And I have to confess, it IS great fun, although it can be rather frustrating at the same time... you don't see an immediate result, it's a ratehr slow process.

And that brings me back to the start... I feel like I haven't achieved much in my life so far. I feel so helpless though... I want to have a creative outlet, but I so lack the skills. I have so many creative ideas but no clue how to put them in reality. I try to teach myself, but that's so difficult, especilly if no one is around to ask for help or someone who is crazy about passing on knowledge and teaching:o))).

I think I have many great ideas of what I'd like to do or see happening or create or whatever. Just yesterday I had such a brainwave:

When I walked into town with the boys we went past a mother who carried her maybe 4 year old girl. I thought "Funny, that the girls isn't walking." When the girl looked at us though I could see that she was physically and mentally handicapped, most properly she couldn't walk, but nonetheless she gave us this biiiig and very sweet smile and Ned smiled back at her and talked to her, not minding that she seemed different whatsoever. And the desired overpowered me that I would love him to keep this innocence when dealing with people who are different. I would love him to grown up knowing how to relate to kids who are different, because I never have. My uncle had spina bifida and was bound to the wheel chair but he died before I was born. It's strange but I always loved that to me unknown uncle a lot and wondered how he was and how it would have been if he had lived.

Wouldn't it be great to have a kindergarten for "normal" kids together with kids with special needs??? I'm pretty sure there are things like it, but not here in Mosbach... and I'm pretty sure also not in Albany where we'll be moving soon-ish. It made me wish to start something like it... but as I said, I have got no idea how one would start something like it.

I'd also love to do more designing, more art and we do have those nice and fancy computer programs but again, my knowledge is so limited that it rather frustrates me... yeeessss... I have taught some to myself, but my memory has the capacity of a goldfish... man, the world can be glad that I'm not famous, as it would be impossible to write a biography over my life, as I struggle to even remember my next dentist appointment.

But isn't the mind a weird thing??? Having said that my memory is REALLY bad, there is stuff I remember really clearly, most of it is silly occasions and you really wonder why in the world you can remember that rubbish but not the important stuff they try to beat into your brain in school. But there are also some not so funny and silly memories stuck in my "Attic":

My mother is a very truthful woman. And I had my share of lies told in my life to be sure (I'm ain't no saint, but still holy, isn't that cool???). But there is this memory of a hot summer in Germany when I must have been around 5 years old. There were these trucks which would drive around towns and delivered frozen foods to people who ordered them beforehand. Sometimes those drivers also went around to advertise their things and go basically from door to door. And one of these guys came to our place wanting to sell his products. My mum declined saying that we'd be going on a holiday. I got all excited. We're going on a holiday, but we weren't. I think that day I learned the meaning of a "white lie", she wanted to get rid of the guy without being rude or hurt his feelings, and in doing so she told a lie. I guess it shocked me so much because mum IS a very truthful woman and I am convinced that now that she's a Christian not even "white lies" happen. Isn't it strange that this was burned in my memory?? And why...???? I know that no one is perfect and that I'll do my share of mistakes in raising our boys, but it gives me a motivation to be as truthful as I can be.

Well, I should go to bed... but just for the record I have to tell you that this chocoholic (ME!!!) hasn't had any chocolate since coming back from Libya over 2 months ago... I'm impressed with myself, but I also have to confess that at times I catch myself day dreaming about chocolate... just how it melts on your tongue... divine!! Sigh...

Anyway, night night...

No I have not...

... dropped off the face of the world nor lain on my death bed and neither have I been abducted by aliens (as far as I'm aware of). The answer is simple: we were on a very spontaneous holiday to Switzerland, Austria and Bavaria....

Maybe the best would be to consult my (imaginary) diary entries of the last couple days (and to warn you ahead of time: this post is about ten miles long:o))

Tuesday, 11th January,

Dear diary(Milly, or Lilly or Rupert or whatever your name might be),

yay!!!! Ben's back!! YAYYYYY!!!!! He just arrived this morning and an hour afterwards our family was packed in the car to drive to Rothenburg ob der Tauber to visit a very good friend from our good old Doulos time back in the days we were singles.

Well, now we aren't singles no more... in fact we are families, we happen to have two boys and our friend has one. Her and her husband are normally serving in Peru but were on furlough in Germany for a month. It was SO great to see her and her hubby and to meet the little fellow with the beautiful name of BEN :o)))) Ben's 5 weeks older than Ced... older, but well, not bigger... no one's bigger than my chubby chap :o)) !!!! Man, I'm so glad it worked out, no idea when we'll meet again, soon she'll be back in Peru and we'll be going to Down Under, about 13 hours time difference or something.

Ced and Ben

Wednesday, 12th January

Dear diary,

I have said it once and I will say it again and again: I much more prefer delivering a baby than going to the dentist (okay, do NOT ask me that question while I'm IN the process of doing so, it might be suicidal for you to do so).

But today I had to go to the dentist I I knew that it would NOT be pleasant because I knew what would be waiting for me... I have to have a new "dinning room" if you get my meaning, or at least parts of it. Unfortunately my teeth are awefully bad (handed down from my mum as well as my dad, great) and I do have crowns cowering my front teeth already, but today I had one of those stumps underneath pulled out. It was festering at the root. It made me feel aweful... I'm 30 but feel like an old hag with no teeth. I wasn't allowed to eat anything until evening and luckily Ben is back so he had the great joy and pleasure to entertain and take care of offspring while I lay sulking and hurting in my bed watching movies. Although I really feel aweful about feeling like an old hag I also felt relieved that that festering evil is removed. I believe having something like this in your body doesn't do you any good and is part of why I often felt low in energy... but that's my personal theory. Unfortunately my visits to the dentist have only begun, as I need new crowns on all of them.. great... and even better I need to have another tooth pulled out... maybe I should go straight back to bed and sulk again... sound very tempting.

Monday, 17th January

Dear diary,

due to my future dates with my dentist we reckon now is the best time to go for a little holiday down South... (no, not as far South as Australia but South as in "Alps"-South. It was all rather spontaneous but it worked out okay that we can go and visit friends in Switzerland as well as in Austria (NOT AustrALia though). So after finish packing like a maniac with morning we packed our kids and 5000 suitcases in our car and off we went. To be honest, I am a bit apprehensive as to how Ned will cope with the travels and all the changes, but I guess there is only one way to find out.

So today we arrived in Switzerland, and there wasn't any snow around. Our friends just bought this house half a year ago, and it is AMAZING!!!! It has 4 stories and over 200m2. When I first entered my first thought was "Wow, they must have put a LOT of work into it after they bought it" as it looked freshly renovated (it was build in the 70ies). But boy, was I mistaken they hardly had to do anything except moving in. The previous owner even left many useful things in place and not old and shabby things but nice stuff. This house is SUCH a blessing to our friends as they want to open their home to foster children and share their love and the love of Jesus with them, isn't that awesome??? But the blessing for them is also a sad story of the previous owner. Him and his wife moved in 10 years earlier with the intention of having 4 children, so they renovated and created new rooms, but after 5 years they got divorced because no child had come and the man continued to live in this big house all by himself... it makes me so sad to think, that there are so many people craving for a child and others don't consider a unborn child a living human and "get rid of IT". But the house will be filled with children, and hopefully our friends not only give them lots of their own love but also share God's love in a real way with them.

Tuesday, 18th January

Dear Diary,

Ned loves this place... ESPECIALLY the stairs. His favourite pastime is laying down on his belly at the top (I convinced him that feet first is healthier than head first) and then he slights down with a big giggle and laugh. When I got him ready for bed and undressed him I was so shocked to see his shins: they were severely bruised but it didn't seem to bother him whatsoever. Luckily no one from the child welfare society where present or they would have thought we abuse the little guy.

I also learned a lesson today: ALWAYS bring your spare battery for your camera with you even if you are CONVINCED that the battery in use is pretty full. And in consequence: ALWAYS bring your camera battery charger even if you are MORE than convinced that BOTH your spare batteries are fully charged. As it happened we went to this animal park (nothing spectacular like lions or giraffes or bullfrogs) and it was lots of fun... and yepp, you might have guess it, my battery was flat, so I couldn't snap any happy memories of Ned feeding the deer, goats or dinosaurs nor him operating a kid size excavator with hydraulic operation nor him running up to 2 guys with a couple kids and going straight for their biscuits. Sigh... but it was great fun.

Wednesday, 19th January

Dear Diary,

today we went on to Austria. Ned has been doing really good so far. He's walking like a champion and happy as can be... sleeping in different beds isn't any problem as well, but he hasn't had an afternoon nap the last couple of days.

He learned a new word: "Holiday". He really likes using it a lot, but I'm not so sure if he gets the meaning of "holiday" , I somehow get the impression that he thinks driving in the car is the holiday. Luckily he seems to like sitting in his car seat and driving in the car... at least for some time... after a while.. well... we all get impatient at times, isn't it?? And we don't have the excuse of only being 2 1/2 and not grasping the concept of time.

Ced's as happy as can be, slightly messed up with drinking and sleeping but luckily only during the day, he doesn't seem to mind being in his car seat; the thoughtful manufacturers have produced the seat belt in such a way that he can happily suck away on the excess length of strap, how very thoughtful of them:o)... Cedric just does not like sitting in his seat when his nappy is "loaded... understandably!

So now we are in Innsbruck. We'll share a "family room" tonight, all of the Wyatts sleep in one room, we shall see how it goes.

Thursday, 20th January

Dear diary,

the night was no problem whatsoever, Ced slept in his little bed, Ned slept on a water bed along one wall and Ben and I slept on a pull-out couch along another wall. Ned thought it great fun in the morning though to see mum and dad sleeping peacefully in the same room and of course had to change that state of affairs immediately... getting up at 7am is just a tiny bit too early for us so I snug up to him on his water bed which was a rather wobbly operation while Ben grabbed the opportunity to cut down a couple more acres of rain forest (by the sound of it).

In the morning we went into town. I didn't know that the golden roof of parts of the town hall is world famous, but while being there I thought I'd better take a shot of it as well. The also very famous mountains around Innsbruck where obscured in clouds though.

As my skiing career ended on a fence post when I was around five, the idea of skiing doesn't really excite me at all. Ben on the other hand... hmmm... well, he's crazy about it to phrase it mildly. He's only skied a couple of times and never really learned (his style give the term "freestyle" a new meaning) but being in the Alps and this maybe being the last chance in several years, we just had to go up there into the cloud obscured mountains. The plan was that the ladies and kids would go walking and take the sled, while the guys went skiing.

In itself a very good plan, unfortunately it wasn't so easy to do we found out.

So after we came back from down town Innsbruck we basically went straight in the car and went up the mountain to the snow. It was something like -15C up there. They say the weather is only as bad as your cloth but unfortunately we don't really have appropriate winter cloths as I don't really see us needing them in Australian and the winter in Mosbach is manageable with what we have. While driving up Ned fell asleep, so finally his need for afternoon naps had caught up with him and Cedric was due for a nap. When we finally got ourselves all ready and out of the car we had one crying child because we woke him up from his car nap and one crying child because he was tired and wanted to go to sleep... and that with -15C... great. Ced finally fell asleep in the backpack carrier wrapped up like a little Ced-sausage and Ned although he did cry quite a bit came walking with us and didn't do a "throw-yourself-on-the-ground-and-scream-your-head-off"-thing which is an improvement. I was very sorry for him... I know how aweful cold feet are and how painful they can been. He liked the igloo village though.

Friday, 21st January

Dear diary,

we decided to drive on during the morning instead of the afternoon. We could feel the effect of the lack of sleep with both boys and hoped they would have a good afternoon nap after we arrived at our next and last stop of our holiday, in Nesselwang at my uncles holiday flat.

Whereas there wasn't any snow in Switzerland (at least in the part we visited) and only a little bit in Innsbruck(okay, and quite a lot on the mountains), there were around 40cm of snow here in Nesselwang.

You might have observed it before, but toddlers seem to do strange things at times. Today he grabbed a big red capsicum or bell pepper or what ever you call it in your part of the world and took a big bite out of it. And then he had this gorgeous, huuuuuuge grin on his face... he ate about half of it and put the rest back up on the counter top... I really wonder what's going on inside his head.

This flat used to belong to my grandparents and my family stayed here regularly for holidays when I was a kid. There are so many happy memories, even just the smell of the place, just smelling it give me a holiday feeling, I just love the place, but it felt rather strange to go there with my own children... the flat isn't very big and it basically is one big room with a tiny bathroom and a tiny little room just next to the kitchen part, so we didn't have another option and put both boys in one room together for the night. So far it seems to work out alright....

Saturday, 22nd January

Dear diary,

they boys did wake each other up but it was at an okay time.

Breakfast really isn't a nice thing if you have to share it with a sulking husband. Husband was sulking a bit, because wife was a bit snappy to him and had hurt his feelings. Isn't forgiveness something amazing???? And it feels so much nicer if husband doesn't sulk no more.

We went for a big hiking tour today... okay not BIG big, but quite big if you drag a 2 1/2 and 6 months old along. And Ned was AWESOME!!! (it's quite amazing what a bit of sleep can achieve)

We took 2 sleds along, Ced was as usual in his backpack carrier and Ned's feet were covered with plastic bags inside his boots to prevent his socks getting soaking wet (thanks Carlien for the tip on your blog, we had never used it before, but it's a great idea). Our goal was to go sledding and as there are houses now where we used to go sledding as children the only other place I knew was the official "toboggan run" (no idea if that's the right word, I had to check it with the online dictionary and that was the only option they gave me): it's a run about 2km long covering around 230 meters of height. I guess most people would take the ski lift to get up the mountain, but not us, we walked up all the way and at least half of it Ned walked all by himself, wow. He did not complain at all, no whining and crying nothing. We pulled him at times on the sled but yeah, at least half of it he walked himself. After sledding down and making our way home again though he started to complain a bit, but by then he was a little ice block as well as a very tired and exhausted little boy. When we finally made it back to the flat I got him out of the damp cloths wrapped him up in warm blankets and made some hot chocolate for him... and I was so proud of him for walking so well.

When I put him down for the night I told him that we'd been going home with the car tomorrow. He seemed to be very excited about sitting in the car again. He told me "Car - driving" a couple of times. After I'd left the boy's tiny bed room I could hear him yelling something and being rather cross (I didn't want him to wake up Cedric) I went in to tell him off. Instead I was greeted with "Lieber Gott, danke Auto sitzen Urlaub" (Dear God, thank you sitting in car, holiday). It melted my heart... and we thanked God again for other things.

Sunday, 23rd January

Dear diary,

we are back home again. I like going away, but I also really like coming home again. The weather was glorious and we went for another walk in the snow this morning. We walked around a little frozen lake but THE highlight of the day was that a hot air balloon landed on the other side and we had to walk past it while the got the gas out of the balloon. Ned was very impressed, but was convinced that the balloon was "kaputt" (broken). When he went to bed today and we prayed he actually thanked for the balloon so it left a deep impact on him.

Unfortunately there were some tears as well, over gummy bears :o))

So far Cedric has always slept in our bed room in his little cot thing, but my little baby is growing up fast, so we decided to put him in with Ned. It's good for them to share a room. I just hope that they won't wake each other up,.... at least not ridiculously early... like 7am or so :o)

And now I should hang the laundry before I go to bed... I always forget about it... but there is SOOO much laundry and we hardly have anything left to wear

Filling the days

I am so unspeakable grateful that I am not a single parent, but I do have lots of respect of men and women who are because of what ever reason. It is such a blessing to be able to share the load and responsibility with someone who loves the kids as much as yourself.

I am a single parent at present though. Ben's travelling through the world once again.. okay, not really but he's on a survey trip for the Logos Hope, which means I am alone with my boys for 10 days in total... luckily I survived the first 5 days already and there are only 5 more to go. But to be honest, I DON'T LIKE IT... AT ALL!!!!!

Maybe it's selfish reasons, maybe not... but I feel trapped... I can't go anywhere alone, I always have to bring the kids (and in weather like this is't SUCH an effort and takes so long until you're finally get going) and there is no "breather" time while Ben's spending some time alone with his boys. Additionally it seems like that Ned copes with changes in going a step backwards... meaning: screaming tantrums have increased once again, potty training is also going a bit worse. I guess my reaction is that of a (grown up) kid though: I get highly irritated, impatient and grumpy which doesn't improve things. And filling the days with some fun activities is rather challenging due to the weather: Ned's two friends are out of town and going to the playground is, well... very wet and cold and snowy and icy. Sledding isn't an option either because of the baby, so we're going for walks but that about it... and do indoor stuff... play in a little indoor playground (a big shoe box full with rice)... read LOTS of books... I have to sing LOTS of songs (one of Ned's favourite is "Pinky bounce"... he means "Jingle bells").

Ned got better though again, PTL I guess we got slowly used to daddy not being around!!! But he actually went on a little holiday himself... and in consequence I have a little holiday as well, yay!!!

Yesterday we went for a train trip, it was only a 20 min ride but I thought I'd give it a go to get to my grandparents with the train. I think it was the first and last time though. Travelling by train, with two kids in tow, a stroller, a suitcase and a car seat is definitely NOT my idea of fun. It isn't only getting on and off the train but actually on this particular train route there are always double decker trains which means lots of stairs inside the train so you're kind of stuck in the "entrance" area of the train.

We spend a couple of hours at my grandparents and I actually ended up helping my granddad register with facebook... but no, although he's 86 he isn't the oldest facebook member, that's an old lady with 104 :o). My aunty put that bee in his bonnet but actually it quite fun, isn't it??? Now we just have to help him to understand how it works:o)))

Why did I bring the car seat??? Well, my mum came to my grandparents as well and she took Ned with her to their place so she needed the car seat:o))). I love my boy dearly but I am VERY grateful to have some breathing time now, because the little one is as easy going as you can wish. I'll join them on Friday.

Well, my landlady has been very kind and took the baby phone after the boys were in bed in the evening so I could go for a run... and although I DON'T like running when I think about it, once I'm doing it and especially after I finished I love it, it feels good to see yourself improve, even if it's tiny little bits... better than nothing, eh??

I'd love to stay in my PJs all day long and read a good book, but unfortunately I wanna clean our place, do the laundry (is there even the slightest chance of ever conquering the laundry monster???) and I have some friends over for dinner (No, Ben it isn't a party, just the Toggies).

Well, my little big baby is peacefully sleeping... and I'll finish with this photo of my little giant:

Ned was already a big baby, but Ced's just totally in a different category; the overalls he's wearing here I bought for Ned when he was 10 months... Ced's not even 6... :o)))

By the way, have you even given your food a closer look??? It often doesn't only taste great but also looks awesome... didn't God do an amazing job??

This is my lunch: cracker bread with honey :o)

Deep thoughts

I'm not morbid, don't worry, but lately I have been thinking about death a lot; death and life!! Maybe because my dad had a heart attack about 2 months ago or maybe because it is the end of the year and I GREATLY dislike New Year Eve, somehow I'm actually tempted going to bed early, maybe I will.

Normally, if you are thirty, you don't tend to think about death a lot... I mean, you're in the prime of life, right? But I am thinking about it, also about life... it troubles me.

I don't know about you, but I can't remember when I was being born, so I can't tell you what that experience was like, but I can well remember being on the "giving" side of birth. And the majority of females had or will have this experience at some point in their lives, and you can ask them all about it, and they can tell you all their stories but still, you don't know what giving birth is like until you're actually doing it. No birthing class or a million stories can actually prepare you 100% for the delivery of a baby. In the end, you just have to do it (or get a c-section and you have lots of pain afterwards).

I remember so clearly when I was pregnant with Ned in the 8th months or so. I would walk through Kiel (that's in North Germany where we happened to be with the Logos Hope) and look at all those women with new born babies in their strollers and being jealously envious of them... or in fact of every mother in the world, because they had done it and I still had do to IT. And then you go though IT and you know what IT's like and if someone asks you you can tell your story, but they won't fully understand until they experience it themselves.

But death,well... you cannot ask anyone how it is, because well,.... they are dead. No one can tell you what it feels like to take your last breath and then, let it go and that's it, what your last thoughts are, and how it feel if your soul finally leaves your body. Isn't it interesting that your first breath is a breath intake and the last one is letting it go?? And unlike with giving birth, everyone will face the experience of death at the end of their life, earlier or later... we just normally don't want to think about it, because it's not so nice to think about. In long years past death was much more part of the daily life because people would die at home, but nowadays many people die somewhere else, the hospital, a nursing home, the road. I'm a nurse, but even I have never seen anyone die so far.

Being a Christian and believing that Jesus came to this earth to conquer death and win the victory over satan (I don't give him the courtesy of writing him with a capital S), I am sure of my salvation and know that there is something better yet to come. I know many have tried to explain heaven and claim: "Yes, you CAN imagine heaven", but to be honest, I can only imagine a glimpse of heaven, and most properly I'm quite wrong with even that, but I think heaven has nothing to do with sitting on a cloud, playing the harp all day long, being pretty bored with being up there and secretly envying the people in hell who seem to have lots of fun. I think it rather something like in the last book of "The Chronicles Of Narnia", that everything is just so much greener and redder and bluer and more real than anything we've ever seen or imagined. That last book of the chronicles always makes me bitter-sweet sad-happy, because the end is sad, but it turns out not to be the end after all but a new beginning to something better.

I am sure!! I will be with my Lord and Saviour. BUT, I feel ill prepared. There it is, I'm absolutly ill prepared to meet my Lord in this way. I have fallen into the trap of every day's life. I feel like I live more for my children than for my Lord. I feel like I love them more than I love him. I hate the thought of dying not for dying's sake, but their sake. It's silly but sometimes it almost brings tears to my eyes if my imagination runs wild with me and I wonder what would happen if I had to go. and then I started thinking of how they would remember me... (I know, if I died now they wouldn't remember me at all, but just imagine they were older already). Would they remember me as a woman of faith a woman of the word and woman love, as patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud and all the other attributes of love in 1. Corinthians 13.? I struggle with many of those issues, I struggle in my faith, I struggle with reading his word, in fact I have this silly stubborn thing going on in my heart and head that I would not open my bible again until HE gives me a love and passion for it. But I wonder if my faith is such a challenge at the moment for me, how about doing it for my children, not faking it, but searching for their sakes, so that if something happens to me they remember me for those things which are so important to me.

I do NOT believe in new years resolutions (maybe my only one is NOT to have any), but somehow a resolution bubbles up in my mind. If I can't to it for my own sake, how about doing it for their sakes until it actually turns out to be for my sake as well??? I don't know if that makes any sense. I want change in my life, but change is so freaking hard. I don't want bible reading to be a burden, I want it to be a joy, but so far it has been a burden, but how can I set an example to my children if I don't practise discipline in my own life???? With reading my bible I've tried so many things already:

• reading through the bible in one year (so far I always failed),
• having a quite time EVERY morning (also failed in that)
• memorizing bible verses (only little parts of them actually stuck in my forgetful brain and even less is left by now)
• doing study books (many of them I started eagerly, but well... never finished)
• repeating one book of the bible until I truly "get it" (every time I started the same book again I felt like I'd never read this passage before)
• in-depth study from page one (it got me so confused and no one there to answer my questions)

... but have you noticed?? These ways were all out of a sense of duty, because a good Christian reads his/her bible, not out of love. But if I struggle to truly love my Lord at the moment, how about doing it because of the love to my children, to invest in their lives???

I am so reluctant to make a resolution, because I am such a bad finisher, I'm very good at first, but then I stumble and fall, and no one seems to help me get up again, so I stumble on but well... And then at other times, I can be like a bulldog. I made up my mind and I stick to it stubbornly, no matter what (once I decided to fast through the entire time of lent, and I did it, even though we went away with my school for week and people started noticing that I wasn't there at any meal times)... now my problem is, that I don't have any idea whatsoever what the trigger is to make me charge at my goal like an angry bull or lay on the ground seemingly defeated.

But thinking about it... isn't it an encouragement, that I AM still in the race, the race of life? Maybe I'm down on the ground at present, but there is still a chance to finish well, and that's what I long for, to finish well, so when the time comes when I'll know how it feels to breath my last and my soul parts from my body I can be well prepared to finally see my maker face to face.

There you go, my thoughts on life and death... don't think me depressed or morbid, PLEASE, I'm just scribbling down my insignificant thoughts and ramblings. And well, now it's 4 min to go and it is the new year,... so I stayed up after all...

so I better say it as well: Happy new year, may many blessings be in it and many adventures with our Lord come along your path!!!