Memory lane and mid-life crisis... does that happen when you're 30???

Sometimes I feel like I haven't achieved anything with my life so far.

Yes, you'll tell me that I'm a wonderful mum and a good wife, and yes, I have been in missions and missions is still on my heart, but I feel like I suck at it. I'm not one of those people-driven people, I'm goal-oriented, task-driven, which makes me feel aweful as well, because Christianity is about people, right??

I tend to go to bed way to late lately, but when I finally go to bed I think about life and many aspects of faith instead of sleeping which is slightly irritating and neither very useful nor practical (as the night ends in the morning... true words). In one of those thinking times instead of sleeping I had a *BING* moment: God created people differently on purpose!!! People-driven people aren't "better" than task-driven people they are just differently wired and BOTH designed by God in HIS image. That thought was very comforting to me.

It also made me think of Mary and Martha... I guess most females are intrigued by them because there aren't so many stories of women in the gospels. I love the two stories, and I love thinking about those two followers of Christ. Often we want to be like Mary, we don't wanna be Martha who gets it all wrong, right?? But have you ever really thought about the fact that it was Martha who came running to Jesus when he came after Lazarus had died?? Mary stayed put in despair... but so often we think of Mary as the one who got it right and Martha as the one who got it wrong but I guess it's rather about that we all mess up and no one is perfect in fact, and Jesus gets it right.

I'm a Martha, I'm task-oriented, task-driven and just like Martha I do get it wrong big times, but then there are times when I have bright moments just like her and trust in Jesus in all the misery and chaos. Maybe Jesus didn't "tell her off" so much because she stayed in the kitchen but because she wanted to force her task-driven nature on he people-driven sister?? Does that make any sense?? I mean, people need food and they came to the sisters for accommodation, food an fellowship, right?? And if Martha hadn't done her job where would we be, eh?? But I'm no theologian, but somehow these thoughts make me feel okay being rather a Martha than an Mary, because where would the world be without us Marthas??

Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna put people-people down, but try to understand who this person is that God created in HIS image; me.

Another thing I discovered of late is that I much more prefer being creative than being instructive. I don't like teaching, it doesn't come natural to me. Some of my friends just thrill in passing on their knowledge and help others... no, not I, it sound much more like a nightmare to me, teaching, instructing... but nonetheless it IS my job at the moment... teaching and instructing and raising my (at least most of the times) adorable boys!! And I have to confess, it IS great fun, although it can be rather frustrating at the same time... you don't see an immediate result, it's a ratehr slow process.

And that brings me back to the start... I feel like I haven't achieved much in my life so far. I feel so helpless though... I want to have a creative outlet, but I so lack the skills. I have so many creative ideas but no clue how to put them in reality. I try to teach myself, but that's so difficult, especilly if no one is around to ask for help or someone who is crazy about passing on knowledge and teaching:o))).

I think I have many great ideas of what I'd like to do or see happening or create or whatever. Just yesterday I had such a brainwave:

When I walked into town with the boys we went past a mother who carried her maybe 4 year old girl. I thought "Funny, that the girls isn't walking." When the girl looked at us though I could see that she was physically and mentally handicapped, most properly she couldn't walk, but nonetheless she gave us this biiiig and very sweet smile and Ned smiled back at her and talked to her, not minding that she seemed different whatsoever. And the desired overpowered me that I would love him to keep this innocence when dealing with people who are different. I would love him to grown up knowing how to relate to kids who are different, because I never have. My uncle had spina bifida and was bound to the wheel chair but he died before I was born. It's strange but I always loved that to me unknown uncle a lot and wondered how he was and how it would have been if he had lived.

Wouldn't it be great to have a kindergarten for "normal" kids together with kids with special needs??? I'm pretty sure there are things like it, but not here in Mosbach... and I'm pretty sure also not in Albany where we'll be moving soon-ish. It made me wish to start something like it... but as I said, I have got no idea how one would start something like it.

I'd also love to do more designing, more art and we do have those nice and fancy computer programs but again, my knowledge is so limited that it rather frustrates me... yeeessss... I have taught some to myself, but my memory has the capacity of a goldfish... man, the world can be glad that I'm not famous, as it would be impossible to write a biography over my life, as I struggle to even remember my next dentist appointment.

But isn't the mind a weird thing??? Having said that my memory is REALLY bad, there is stuff I remember really clearly, most of it is silly occasions and you really wonder why in the world you can remember that rubbish but not the important stuff they try to beat into your brain in school. But there are also some not so funny and silly memories stuck in my "Attic":

My mother is a very truthful woman. And I had my share of lies told in my life to be sure (I'm ain't no saint, but still holy, isn't that cool???). But there is this memory of a hot summer in Germany when I must have been around 5 years old. There were these trucks which would drive around towns and delivered frozen foods to people who ordered them beforehand. Sometimes those drivers also went around to advertise their things and go basically from door to door. And one of these guys came to our place wanting to sell his products. My mum declined saying that we'd be going on a holiday. I got all excited. We're going on a holiday, but we weren't. I think that day I learned the meaning of a "white lie", she wanted to get rid of the guy without being rude or hurt his feelings, and in doing so she told a lie. I guess it shocked me so much because mum IS a very truthful woman and I am convinced that now that she's a Christian not even "white lies" happen. Isn't it strange that this was burned in my memory?? And why...???? I know that no one is perfect and that I'll do my share of mistakes in raising our boys, but it gives me a motivation to be as truthful as I can be.

Well, I should go to bed... but just for the record I have to tell you that this chocoholic (ME!!!) hasn't had any chocolate since coming back from Libya over 2 months ago... I'm impressed with myself, but I also have to confess that at times I catch myself day dreaming about chocolate... just how it melts on your tongue... divine!! Sigh...

Anyway, night night...