Reflections

I think it's quite a skill to puke ALL over your mother but not at all on any of your own cloths. I think that is a skill which needs to be applauded... once the mother has cleaned herself and changed into none-pukey cloths, that is.... the skilful baby even rewarded his soaked-through-with-puke-mother with the biggest grin ever (inclusive milk still coming out of his nose).... yummmmmm... the joys of motherhood.

It was good to have something to laugh about though because honestly I'm a bit downcast lately. For the first time since being back aboard I long to be back home.

I know everyone is a sinner, there is no such thing as BIG sin or LITTLE sin, everything displeasing God is sin, be it lying, deceiving, stealing, hard-heartedness, pride, unfaithfulness, adultery or murder. But some sins are more, how to say, obvious... and they have a bigger impact on people or the community around us. Confronted with a more "obvious" sin in others makes me realize how sinful I am myself. Maybe one part of me is tempted to point at them and say "I am much better than that" but reason knows it isn't true. We are all sinners, and if living with Jesus, we are forgiven sinners.

It makes me wonder though why God had to put those silly trees in the garden of Eden in the first place. Just imagine how delightful and easy life would have been without those stupid trees. Okay, it would have been rather crowded after a while, but we'd all be innocent, naked and happy. But I guess we all want to be loved by choice not because there isn't an other option, so I figure that's why God planted those trees there for Adam and Eve to have a very simple choice: to love God in obeying one very simple command or, well, not. And God must have known that eventually someone would have decided to disobey him and take a fruit sooner or later because he had "Plan B" (which is Jesus and salvation though him) ready up his sleeves.

And ever since we have to make choices, again and again. Sin does not just happen to me, it always involves a choice to do or NOT to do something, sad but true. Lately too often I dwell on focusing on what a sinner I am, instead of focusing on the Forgiver of all sins. It is also a choice to trust Him, that He has forgiven me in the past, will forgive me in the future and is forgiving me my shortcomings right now, IF I repent and confess. I'm not a good trust-er though, neither in trusting my Lord and Saviour nor trusting other people although often I'm kind of naive.

It also hurts me to see my little guy slighted by other kids. I know he's no angel (gash, I live with him every day), but he loves to play with others but they don't need him.... nor want him. I mean, there are so many kids on board and the majority is girls and they have a great time playing house together, or with their dolls or dress up, or fairies or do other pink and glittery and fluffy things. And seriously, would you, if you were 3 years old, like a boy playing with you who looks older and bigger than yourself but is actually much younger and can't yet talk properly (and unfortunately screams a lot at itmes) and always wants to touch your hair or even kiss you??? Unfortunately Ned's fascinated by blonde hair and always wants to touch it and he's a very "physical" little guy and shows his affection with trying to kiss them. So as soon as he gets close to the little girl's gang he gets greeted with "No Ned!! NOOOOOO Ned, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ned!!", sometimes being pushed around (I guess he also pushes them), often without him even having done anything at all, just being there. It makes me very reluctant to go and meet with the others, although their mum's are my friends.

One girls who is maybe 2 or 3 years older than him really doesn't like him, but she's good friends with one of the few boys Ned's age and hypes that boy up against Ned as well. Somehow then he does really silly things as well, e.g. the other day he saw those two kids running through the dinning run and ran after them, and what did he do?? He hugged the girl from behind and in doing so tackled her to the ground. That is NOT the way to make friends. It surprised me so much how much it affects me that other children don't want to play with him, because he would play with just everyone. You kind of know that kids do that kind of thing to each other constantly, one time they gang up against A just to gang up against B the next day, but all the knowledge doesn't prepare you for the emotions which bubble up inside of you seeing your kid being "ganged" up on. I guess I'm just not used to having so many other kids around. At home our only kids friends are Silas and Sofia. I guess because he can't defend himself verbally he also does it physically, which doesn't help to make friends either.

I'm so grateful for little Linde and Eva because they play nicely together (even though I found him eating their crayons today.... and afterwards spitting out the little pieces ... great). Sigh... I hope it'll get better once he's able to communicate better, not only in screaming loudly if displeased but actually being able to say what the problem is.

One older lady came to me the other day, and I know she meant well... but it back fired. She told me with her strong American accent: "I'm praying for you, Your son reminds me so much of our grandson, he's the most strong-willed kid I have ever known." Thank you very much (for praying), but I can honestly say, that there are more strong-willed kiddos around than mine. Yes, he is strong-willed,.... or persistent, and yes, unfortunately he displays that streak quite often in public and yes, I do struggle with his tantrums as well (I mean, who loves their kids going bananas???? We all would much rather have well behaved little angels), BUT he isn't like that all the time. He is really, really awesome when it's time to clean up his toys, more often than not going to bed isn't a problem as well as brushing his teeth, he "helps" me with putting things in the bin (even if I don't want something to be put in the bin), helps me emptying the laundry machine or helps carrying things. He is very good with Cedric as well as with the other baby on board (okay, he always tried to poke out Cedric's eyes, but hey, nobody is perfect). He can entertain himself nicely and play all by himself, he can sit patiently and read a book with you (as long as you don't actually try to read it to him, but rather point out things).

And despite the fact that he is so tall, he IS only 2 1/2, which is right in the middle of the horrible twos, and most kids do have their terrible twos, either when they are two or some time later when they are twenty or so and I prefer him having them while he truly is two.

I also started to think about the life we lived with him so far and it has been very unsettled. I mean, we dragged him all over the globe, literally. The first time he flew he was only 2 months and by now I almost lost count of how many times we've flown with him since. He has not only been to different countries with the Logos Hope or Doulos, but we also "dragged" him to Australia (and stayed in 13 different places within 3 months), India, Germany and America. Although I don't regret the life we lived and still live, I long to live a life which is slightly more settled and look forward to living in one place for a couple of years.... Australia, here we come (soon at least, hopefully around April next year for a couple of years)... that's the plan at least, let's see.

There have been constantly so many changes in his little life that it's no surprise that he has to cope with it somehow. And I suppose screaming is his way of coping. I don't want to make excuses for him but stand up to him. He IS MY son and I dearly love him with all his shortcomings.

Well, talking about an unsettled life, we're actually planing another trip to the desert for two nights.... I'm seriously starting to doubt my own sanity, but if you want adventures in life you have to grab an opportunity when it presents itself.... I hope I won't regret my decision.... I somehow can see myself already being stuck in a car between Ned and Ced and trying to entertain them during the 4h drive to the place where we are going.

P.S. I just found out the secret for Ned to be able to play alright with the girls: get them one at the time and not all together and they can play beautifully together :o)