gipssies

I know that at some point in the future I will laugh my head off thinking about our "new start" in Australia... presently I don't... to be honest I'm almost always on the point of crying and just one word breaks the dams (the ironic part of me has a good chuckle over myself even now already, but in the overall... well... isn't so very much excited about the situation we're living in).
I know you should live a day a time and praise God in all circumstances... but it's getting pretty difficult at times. We decided to move to Ben's sister's place, just to relax some tensions around here. Ned has been so much better after that one very horrid day, but still, he IS a little BOY and a lively child with lots of energy and still a lot to learn... and he's still adjusting... and kids sometimes just don't seem to work how you'd thing they would or should...
well, anyway, we will move to Jill's place today. Uhm, it isn't really HER place. She normally lives in Perth (only 500km North) but she's down here in Albany to do a 2 months internship at the local hospital (she's a doc.. and I think you call it an internship), so she's living in this really flash 2 room apartment which is provided for her by the hospital, so it isn't really her place and she usually doesn't live there... and you might have spotted the critical point... it's a TWO room flat... and we'll be 5 people... so we have to figure out where the kids will sleep. We can stay with her until Easter, or just before Easter, then she has some friends visiting her from Perth, so we have to find somewhere to move to again. After Easter we have an offer for moving in someones holiday house in town... but that's also just temporary... you get the picture... I'm so sick of it moving here and there and everywhere while living out of our suitcases.
You might remember the photo I put up of our luggage when we were travelling to Australia. It IS a LOT!!!

And luggage has this odd tendency to multiply, I don't know how it does it, but in all my travels it has ALWAYS does that (why can't money have that tendency???). We packed a good part of our live in those suitcases, thinking to move once within the first 6 months, so now we drag our lives possessions from one place to the next, trying not to unpack too much, but still, everything gets stuffed up and you can't find a thing anymore... ou how I hate it.
So now I've packed, yet once more, (hopefully) all our belongings in various boxes and cases and it stands around the place waiting to be moved to Jill's. To be honest, my spirit is pretty low presently.
When I get stressed and depressed I tend to eat. So it's a good thing we live in other people's homes because I don't have a clue where the goodies are hidden... so count your blessings, eh??? Another good thing is, that I don't eat chocolate again since being here in Albany. I don't know what silly me would do if I ate chocolate... if I get upset I can eat tons of chocolate without getting sick or anything... so that's another blessing. And we CAN move to Jill's... so here is yet another one. Grandma will miss her darling boys immensely and shed one or two (hundred) tears herself, so here goes another blessing. See, I am still very blessed, but somehow it's so darn hard to see it when you're down in the pit. And it's so darn hard to not compare yourself with others around you and pine after what they are having and darken your heart with coveting.
Looking back on our life I don't regret any of the choices we took. I don't regret living the life of a "poor missionary's wife", moving aboard the Logos Hope, after 2 years moving yet again to the other ship, the Doulos, even though I wondered why we had to go there and I struggled a lot. I do not regret moving back to Germany for a time of refocusing and I do not regret having moved to Australia. When I cry and pine I do not feel homesick for Germany, although I do miss my family and friends. I know it's the right place for us to be right now...
...but I do hate being pushed around a game board and no one seems to know the rule... in fact no one seems to know which game we are actually playing. And I hate having to call yet another place "home"... I think I lost count of the uncountable amount of places we stayed in and I told Ned "this is home, for now at least." I'm a bit sick of this nomadic life... since Ned was born we lived in 3 places for a longer period (even though 2 of them were moving objects which moved us around to even more different places). We lived at my parents multiple times, we lived at Ben's parents several times. Last time we came Down Under for a furlough we lived in 13 different places within 3 months... we lived 3 weeks in a room in India..., we lived for 5 weeks in a hotel room in Singapore, we went for little holidays to the States, Czech Republic, Switzerland and Austria. When Ned was younger, Cedric's age, he coped really well with it, but now that he is older, he struggles with the changes and I dread to call yet another place "home" and yet another one after that... and what comes after that only God knows.
I know in my head that God DOES know the rules and the game and he doesn't just push us around for the fun of it, but at times the distance from head to heart can be pretty long, and the only thing left to us is trusting him... not but's, if's and when's... trusting Him in the here and now, in the middle of confusion and frustrations, anger and tears. He IS in control.. and I suppose it is a good thing that I am not.