Somehow it is so much easier to share when you're up on top enjoying the mountain view... rather than being down and out, face-plant in the mud. And I guess that's where I've been for quite a loooong time. I'd finally get myself off the ground again, just to stumble and fall yet once more. Australian winter doesn't help either. It makes me feel down and depressed, but to be fair, we have had some wonderful days of beautiful weather and sunshine as well.
A lot has happened in the last 2 months... and it continues to happen... but I feel like I'm finally climbing the mountain once again, leaving the "mud fight" behind... for now at least.
It is somehow hard and also embarrassing to write about my struggle because, well, lets face it, it's so much cooler and better looking to be strong... not weak. Some people even smile about my struggle because they can't understand that it can be a struggle at all. I personal monster is called: food. I'm not bulimic (I can't stand vomit luckily) and obviously and thankfully also not anorexic. I'm a binge-er. Over-eater. A"stuff-my-face-with-whatever-crosses-my-path-kind-of-eater". I panic, I eat! I get depressed, I eat! I feel perfectly fine... I also eat! There you go. It's out. You can laugh. I don't feel like laughing.
And you know, since identifying this struggle as sin against God... I mean, HELLO, I try to turn to food for comfort instead of God which is basically sin, it has gotten so much worse. I felt so out of control, controlled by my "monster" instead of God. I'd make new starts and new plans again and again (I lost count around "new start No.#187b). Just to stumble and fall into the mud yet once again. That did not feel like a life of victory and freedom which we are supposed to have in Christ. But you know, as I lay there, covered with chocolate and gummy bears I realised that victory isn't necessary winning over this food struggle with satan but how quickly I turn back to Jesus. My struggle with food and my spiritual life are so interwoven you can not separate them. And even though I might be down and out Jesus has won the victory for me already, once and for all, all I have to do is to crawl back to him, chocolate covered and all, and the quicker I do it the better it is. And he helps me up and wipes of the dirt and sends me back into the race. He is my greatest cheerleader and coach all in one.
I have been thinking about sin a lot lately and so often you kinda associate things like "murder", "rape", "theft" or the like with sin. And yes, of course, that is sin. Yet our day to day sin is much more pleasant. Sin more often than not is actually things we LOVE to do... or we wouldn't do them, eh??? And everyone has there own personal fitted "sin" which trips them in their race again and again. For some it might be pornography or drugs or shopping or gossiping.. for me its food and unless you struggle in the same area you really can't fully understand or comprehend how much of a hold ones particular "favourite" sin can have.
It is a bit sobering to think that most properly food will have a potential to trip me for the rest of my life. Yet, I'm in my forth week of eating healthy, living healthy, spending regular time with God, exercising and not binging. It feels so great, so liberating, encouraging. It makes me so grateful to God, that he has given me the strength and discipline to do it. Yet I know, I'll fall again, because I AM human, I'm not meant to fly, BUT I know victory is crawling back to the feed of Jesus, as quickly as I can. Knowing and realizing this was somehow a real eye opener and also a turning point.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone, yet it makes sense to me... I have changed a lot in the last couple of months... even those months I was flat out, face-down in the mud. Who would have ever thought or imagined that this night owl would turn into a early bird??? Yepp, weekdays I'm up at 6am going out for a run 3 times a week and doing other exercises as well, as well as spending time with my bible and the author thereof. I'm sticking to 3 main meals and 2 snacks a day and I don't do any night time eating no more... there is a reason why breakfast is called breakfast: it is breaking a night times fast. I haven't had chocolate as plain chocolate in almost a months and no processed sweets... I try to eat as much whole meal foods as possible, which includes home made cakes and bikkies... afternoon tea is the highlight of my day lately! It feels so good to be balanced and it makes me so thankful. I haven't even had a desire to binge yet, so I didn't even have to fight against it.... thank you Lord!!! Yet there is a German saying that "pride comes before the fall" so I don't want to be proud of my achievements, but rather absolutely grateful to my Father in heaven.
Other things have happened as well...
Ned turned 4 years old... we had a dinosaur party. It was AWSOME, but boy, was I glad when it was finished.
Cedric also had his birthday, and he turned 2.
He got a little balancing bike from both sets of grandparents and he loves it. 50m still take him around 30min but he'll get there eventually. One positive side effect of this birthday present was that Ned could borrow it and we went for 3 loooooooong walks (I mean 8km kind of walks). After that we put him back on a "real" bike, and voila, within 10min he finally learned to rid his bike!!! Not only that, we went for a looong ride with him the other day when it was beautiful and he rode for 12km. YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! That's my boy!!! I was SO excited, that I went and bought him a new shiny bike. He is absolutely in love with it... I guess he and I... we just love shiny, new things *SMILE*.
Well this little froggy is neither shiny nor new but he happened to be in our garden and the boys fell in love with the little fellow... luckily for froggy he survived this kind of love and after 10min I released him from the danger of death by squeezing and popped him in our veggie garden. Apparently a frog in a veggie garden is a good sign and means your garden is doing good.
